Hello everyone. Thank you for coming to The Turf, where we rank the date-ability of MLB Mascots and discuss the existentialism of buying a hotdog.
I would like to take this time to announce that on August 15th, 2020, I will be throwing out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium ahead of the Red Sox/Yankees game.
What gives me the right to do so? That’s a good question. Here are some possible reasons why.
I once wrote this piece, which talks about the rivalry between the two teams. It’s an excellent rivalry, one that might be the greatest in all of sports, even if it is very much dominated by one side.
The Yankees might be aware of my ability to pitch. I once threw a ball so hard at my older brother that he charged the mound with a metal bat and tried to kill me. I ended up striking him out later, so it’s all good.
I’m a Mets/Red Sox fan, which means that I really hate the Yankees. So it’s possible that this is a trap and I’m beginning to fear for my own safety. What if Aaron Boone yells at me? What if Aaron Judge doesn’t remember me? What if a button on Luke Voit‘s jersey pops off and hits me in the eye, leaving me permanently blind? What if Rafael Devers and I decide to skip the game and go find a Mr. Softee truck? Too many possibilities. Too much risk. Could be good TV?
I know how to get there. It’s pretty easy getting to Yankee Stadium from where I live. It’s three different trains, but it’s not too bad. Honestly, the 7 line to Mets games can be awful during rush hour. The 7 Line at Mets games is great, but the train is tough.
I would also like to take this moment to announce that I have decided to cancel my appearance at Yankee Stadium, where I was asked by the Yankees to throw out the first pitch ahead of the Red Sox/Yankees series.
Why would I do such a thing? That’s a good question. Here are some possible reasons why.
I once wrote this piece, which takes a look at the issues Brian Cashman has had juggling the large salaries of the current Yankees rosters, and how he can’t recreate the glory days of the late 90s and early 2000s. I cannot confirm nor deny that they read it. But if they did, I bet it really got to them.
Or perhaps Gary Sanchez read this one. Or maybe they heard that C.C. Sabathia and I were once in the same musical.
Perhaps it’s that I’m a Mets/Red Sox fan, which means that I really hate the Yankees. So, why in the world would they invite me?
They heard what I said about Yankee Stadium the one and only time I was there. It’s a nice VIP experience, but as a ballpark… I gotta pass on it. Doesn’t feel fan friendly. Although, in their defense, Yankee fans aren’t the most friendly anyway. ZING!
But really, at the end of the day, I’m just a normal person. The Yankees don’t know who I am, nor should they even care about who I am. And even if I am lying about being asked to throw out the first pitch, who cares? I’m a nobody.
It’s not like I’m the President of the United States… that’d be incredibly embarrasing, right?
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