Hello, everyone. Welcome to a piece I never thought I’d write. There’s a lot to unpack here, and yet, like a forgotten lunch box left in an elementary school locker over summer vacation… I have no intention of opening up any part of it. So let’s just dive in and see what happens.

Dietz & Watson, in their own words, “was established in 1939 by our founding great-grandfather, Gottlieb Dietz. Gottlieb had a pretty intense dedication to quality, family, and delicious food. Four generations later, we like to think he’s eating heavenly sausage and looking down on us with an approving grin. Oh, and we make the best meat and cheese products that will ever grace your lips.”

They also sell pants that say “Eatin’ Pants”, and I think we can all agree that’s actually fantastic. But that’s not all they sell. Dietz & Watson also offer Bacon Leggings, a “Meat Sweats” hoodie, and a shirt that says “I Heart Dietz Nuts,” with the heart upside-down so it looks… like nuts.

All of these items are a 10 out of 10. That’s a scientific fact.

However, what’s not a 10 out of 10, are their condiments. And there’s a very specific reason for that.

Dietz & Watson have released two Philadelphia themed condiments. First there’s Gritty Sauce, which bears the face of the Philadelphia Flyers Mascot Gritty, and Swoop Spread, aptly named after the Eagles mascot.

Gritty Sauce is “a sriracha-based sauce that’s smooth, tasty, and a little spicy. Just like Gritty. It’s great on everything (even hockey pucks, according to Gritty).” Sounds great, right?

Swoop Spread is touted as “SWOOP’S spicy wasabi mustard spread. Pass it around.” Simple. Also sounds great.

But what really makes me uneasy about this is something that might not be immediately obvious, and frankly took me a minute to realize myself…

There are no apostrophes in the names of the sauces.

Both of these condiments are marketed as things used by the mascots. That would mean there should be some kind of possessive quality to the name. We don’t say “Ruth Chris Stakehouse” or “Guy Fieri American Kitchen” or M. Night Shyamalan “The Last Airbender”. There’s a possessive. There’s an apostrophe. Even in the descriptions of the items, there’s the possessive tense.

The name? Not so much.

And without the apostrophe, Gritty Sauce and Swoop Spread become sauces made out of the mascots. And that’s something I simply cannot get into.

Dietz Nuts jokes? ALL DAY.

A sauce made of Gritty? HARD. PASS.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.