My family and I were supposed to be leaving for Disney World on Sunday, May 3rd. I don’t know if you watch the news or not, but we will not be going.
Obviously, a canceled vacation is not one of the worst things people are experiencing right now, but it is still a bummer. However, it was announced that while Disney World will not be hosting my family’s vacation this spring, it might be the solution to bringing the NBA season back. It will be somewhat easier to handle not being there if it means I get to watch the NBA again.
I do think there are a lot of questions to ask about how this is going to go though. And I would think no one would have more questions about this than NBA players.
Here’s how I think that could go…:
Josh D’Amaro, President of Walt Disney World: Gentlemen, I want to welcome you again to Orlando and thank you for coming to this session. I know you have had the tour of the training facilities, the courts for the games, the restaurants we will have opened for you and the hotels you will all be staying in. What I am here for now is to answer any remaining questions, and as you can see, we have representatives from all thirty NBA teams with us…ah, except for the Minnesota Timberwolves who chose not to attend when they heard Mr. Butler would be here.
Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat: Hahaha, bitches!
D’Amaro: Yes, thank you, Mr. Butler. Anyways, let’s begin. Mr. James?
LeBron James, Los Angeles Lakers: Ok, here’s what we do. You put up a billboard right outside the airport with me saying, “I am taking my talents to Blizzard Beach!” Then we set up every Tuesday in the Mexico area at EPCOT is “Taco Tuesday sponsored by LeBron James.”
D’Amaro: Ok, and your question?
James: Where do I sign?
Carmelo Anthony, Portland Trail Blazers: Maybe we can do a co-branding where the dessert on Taco Tuesday is “Carmelo de Leche”?
James: Nah man, I don’t think so.
D’Amaro: Right. Let’s discuss that later. Mr. Mitchell?
Donovan Mitchell, Utah Jazz: Yeah, I know on off days we will be allowed to go on the rides, and I see several have a minimum height requirement for safety. Are there any rides with a maximum height restriction? So, let’s say a ride where you would get pretty hurt if you were 7’ 1” …and from France?
D’Amaro: Uh, I don’t believe so. The safety of all our guests is our highest priority.
Mitchell: Ok, no worries. We’ll figure something else out.
D’Amaro: That’s unsettling. Mr. Booker, you have a question?
Devin Booker, Phoenix Suns: Yes, I see there are several arcades at all the hotels. Is there one where someone could get a high score on a game, but also be sure no one was there to see it?
D’Amaro: Well, the parks and hotels will be closed to other guests besides those with the NBA, so I don’t think you would have a problem with no one seeing you playing the games.
Booker: Perfect, thank you.
Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets: Hi, I see you have a “World Showcase” in EPCOT, but I do not see the Serbia portion. Is that just not on the map?
Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks: I have the same question on the Slovenia area.
D’Amaro: Um, I am sorry, but we do not have areas for either of those countries.
Jokic: This is upsetting to me.
Andrew Wiggins, Golden State Warriors: I saw Canada is on there, baby!
Doncic: Wiggins has one! Come on!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks: What about Greece?
D’Amaro: Great question, Mr. Ant…may I call you, Giannis? We do not have a Greece area, but as we get closer to the Fall, our Food & Wine Festival has booths offering popular foods from several countries. Greece is always one of our most visited booths, so I guess you have even more reason to hope for a long playoff run, huh? And Mr. Gasol, Spain will be there too!
(Player in the back looks up from his newspaper and takes a cigarette out of his mouth)
Jokic: Ok, great. So then if we make it far in the playoffs I can eat at the Serbian booth and get some burek and gibanica?
D’Amaro: Yeah, maybe.
(Jokic fist pumps)
Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers: I’d like to know more about the social distancing policies that will be in place here.
D’Amaro: Great question, Mr. Simmons. Our plan is…
Simmons: Yeah, because when I come down the court and there are already guys in the lane, does that mean I need to stay outside the three-point line? I gotta admit, I am not comfortable with that.
D’Amaro: Well we are more in charge of those policies OUTSIDE of the game. You’d have to talk to Mr. Silver about changes to gameplay.
Simmons: I am afraid of three-pointers.
D’Amaro: Anyone else? Please.
Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards: I played college ball in Florida and really liked it. I now play in Washington, DC and I do not like it as much. My question is when this is over, can I stay?
Kevin Love, Cleveland Cavaliers: Can my teammates stay?
Victor Oladipo, Indiana Pacers: I used to play in Orlando, can I not stay?
D’Amaro: We’d be more than happy to host all of you and your families after play has ended. In fact, after this is a presentation on Disney’s Vacation Club and information on becoming an Annual Passholder. There will be no discounts.
De’Aaron Fox, Sacramento Kings: Where does all the animation take place? I need to talk to the dude who did “The Lion King.”
Terry Rozier, Charlotte Hornets: I have an idea for a “Scary Terry” cartoon so I’d like to talk to those guys too.
Lonnie Walker IV, San Antonio Spurs: I was hoping to get one of them to draw me with my hair blue so I’d look like Hades from “Hercules”, can we make that happen?
D’Amaro: Unfortunately, that work is mostly done at Walt Disney Studios in California. Mr. Fox, may I ask why you want to talk to the “Lion King” animators?
Fox: When I was drafted, I couldn’t wait to be a King. But now, I definitely could have waited to be a King. Maybe forever. I want to tell them their song is bullshit.
D’Amaro: Ok, I can pass that along. Mr Harden?
James Harden: I want to know… (gets hit by Gatorade bottle)…ow!
(Player in the back slinks down behind the player in front of him)
D’Amaro: Mr. Paul! Please don’t throw things. We have a strict no trash on the ground policy here at Disney World!
(Harden gets up and stands next to D’Amaro on stage)
D’Amaro: What is happening?
Harden: When I get touched in games, I get to go to special place and get “free” stuff. What do you got?
D’Amaro: Um, do you want this pen?
(Harden sits back down)
Kyrie Irving, Brooklyn Nets: I have a question around Space Mountain. Specifically, space is all over, man. It’s in our hearts, in our dreams. Mountains are a physical thing. There can’t be mountains in something that’s a construct of our minds. To sum up, isn’t the mountain in the space inside of all of us?
Jaylen Brown, Boston Celtics: Do all you guys fucking get it now?
Another player: I’d like to ask…
D’Amaro: Hello, and you are?
Player: I…I’m Nikola Vucevic.
D’Amaro: Ok, and who do you play for?
Vucevic: The Magic…
D’Amaro: And where are they are located?
Ja Morant, Memphis Grizzlies: How are you determining the Rookie of the Meeting?
D’Amaro: The what?
Morant: Because I have been here the whole time and Zion got here about halfway through.
(Zion looks up from eating giant turkey leg)
Zion Williamson, New Orleans Pelicans: What’s up?
D’Amaro: There’s no Rookie of the Meeting.
Trae Young, Atlanta Hawks: What about the player who asks the most questions? And maybe they aren’t the best questions. And maybe they don’t make the meeting any better. But he still asked the most questions, likely with a lot coming at the end when people have stopped paying attention.
D’Amaro: Oh my…
Zach LaVine, Chicago Bulls: When is the dunk contest? I am thinking we set up a hoop outside the Millennium Falcon and I jump off the top in a Chewbacca costume and slam it home.
D’Amaro: There is absolutely no way we are allowing that to happen.
LaVine: Well then what are even doing here?
Derrick Rose, Detroit Pistons: Where is the special section for past MVPs?
D’Amaro: We don’t have that, but we do have an exclusive place called Club 33 here. It’s only $33,000 to join and then only $15,000 a year after that!
Rose: Man, this strip club sucks.
D’Amaro: What? This isn’t a strip club…
Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers: That’s what I wanted to know. When we’re not here, what is this place?
D’Amaro: You’re asking what Disney World is? Well, it’s a family vacation destination where lifetime memories filled with fun and laughter are made.
Leonard: Ok, and what are those?
D’Amaro: I’m sorry, are you asking me what fun and laughter are?
Leonard: Yes, I am.
D’Amaro: Ok, I think that’s enough. Gentlemen, please enjoy your stay here at Walt Disney World. Good luck in your games, and if you’d like to buy any park tickets at this time, I can swipe your card with my phone. Thank you!
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