Of the many things the 2020 took from us, the material thing I missed most was watching the Olympic Games. Watching incredible athletes from all over the world compete is one of the most exciting things for me. It makes me feel connected and, these days, it’s one of the few things that makes me proud to be American. Of course there are exceptions, but overall? It’s ace. Even more so because the events in which these incredible athletes compete are, mostly, things I grew up doing.

Think about it. Did you enjoy going swimming as a kid? Have you ever competed in a cannonball or diving contest with friends or family? Has there ever been a time you attempted a roundoff back handspring back tuck in a neighbor’s yard? Or on a trampoline?

The Olympics are an extraordinary set of games based upon fun things everyday people do, or have tried to do. So that got me thinking. I’m no athlete, that’s for sure, but what would my Olympics be?

I’m good at games

I love video games. FIFA, Madden, NBA2K, every Arkham Knight game. I’m decently good at all of them. But could I join an E-Sports League? Probably not. I get smoked in online play. Even games like Call of Duty will always see me with the highest “whoops, I died” rate.

Board games? Growing up I always thought of Monopoly, Candyland, and Chutes and Ladders. And that was pretty much it. Then Ned introduced me to a whole new world of them. But Betrayal at House on the Hill probably won’t be winning me medals, despite being a gold standard game for me.

Drinking games? Hit or miss. I recently got destroyed in pong and I don’t know if my body could handle the training needed.

Hm…

What else could there be?

Wait, wait, wait. I’ve got it!

Okay, hear me out.

Can I toss basketballs into a short hoop at an alarmingly quick rate? Yes.
Can I utilize my First Person RPG experience to shoot enough bottles during a time trial? Absolutely.
Am I good at Skeeball? You bet.
Ring toss?
Hitting a balloon with a dart?
Blasting a target with water so my horse wins the race?
Check. Check. And check.

I was meant to be a Carny. If COVID-19 doesn’t knock carnivals out of business, who’s ready for MY Olympics, circa 2023? Y’all are going DOWN!