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Why All My Favorite Teams Suck

Fenway Bannersby Drew Geraets is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

Why All My Favorite Teams Suck

Estimated Reading Time: 9 Minutes

My whole life, I’ve been a Boston sports fan… well, except for that brief period in preschool when my best friend was a Rams fan. It was the Greatest Show on Turf and the Patriots were still suffering underneath the mediocrity of Drew Bledsoe. It was a dark, shameful time in my young life, but thanks to the support of my family and friends, I have come out of that depressing period of my life and into a newer, even more depressing period.

That’s right, I am a true, blue New England sports fan now, and with that comes an inherent pessimism regarding these teams that mean so much to me. I want you, the readers, to get to know me better and understand what makes me tic, and there is absolutely no better way to do that than read an article all about why my favorite sports teams suck and why they will not win this year. They don’t call me Eeyore for nothing. Strap in, we’re going in dry.

New England Patriots

You know I had to start with them, right? I just need to get this out of the way, because it pains me to write these words, it truly does. I love the Patriots with all my heart, they are my absolute favorite team of all time. I have a shrine to them in my apartment. My bathroom is Patriots themed, shower curtain and all, for Christ’s sake.

All that being said, however, the Patriots will not win this year, and I don’t see them winning anytime soon. Tom Brady (Praise be His name) is 41 years old, Bill Belichick (Praise be His Name) has shown us that he’s letting his ego drive the bus more and more, and what’s more, this past offseason saw way more talent go out than it did come in. Look at the receiving corps (plus tight end)! Chris Hogan, an aging Julian Edelman coming off an ACL tear, Rob “Wrestler” Gronkowski, Philip Dorsett the first round bust, Cordarelle “Can’t Run Routes” Patterson… need I go on? It’s not good guys.

Sure Gronk is a beast when healthy, but what’s the guarantee there? Guerrero isn’t a magician. The running backs are a threat in the passing game too, but you can’t consistently rely on them. I’m not even saying we need a deep threat, because we clearly don’t, I’m just saying we need more than what we have. Plus, with the departure of Nate Solder, I can’t help but be very afraid of what’s coming. Scar is a great OL coach, but he can’t solve every problem there is. 

The one thing that does give me a little ray of hope is that we saw more pressure on the quarterback in preseason game 3. Matt Patricia is gone, and hopefully that means the defense can take a step forward. That being said, they all hate each other, so what does it matter anyway?

Boston Red Sox

Of course, the Red Sox are next, I wasn’t going to leave them out of this. They are on a torrid pace and have a pretty strong lead in the division. Despite going through a relative rough patch lately, they have still been one of, if not the most consistently good teams this season, and they are good! Really! I don’t deny that. They are a very good, great even, regular season team, but they aren’t going anywhere in the playoffs, for a whole host of reasons.

One, of course, is the bullpen. They suck. Choosing an eighth inning guy is like playing Russian Roulette and every chamber has a bullet. Every single one of those pitchers has shown that they’re inconsistent and not to be trusted. Sure I rode the Joe Kelly train after his fight against the Yankees, but he’s shown once again why he sucks. Tons of speed and no control. Matt Barnes? Couldn’t hit the strike zone if it was the size of a barn. Tyler Thornburg? Oh, you mean another one of Dave Dombrowski’s horrible trades. Please. Then in the ninth inning, Craig Kimbrel looks like he’s forgotten how to pitch. And do you really think that moving Eovaldi, Rodriguez, or Velazquez into the bullpen for the playoffs is going to help? I venture to say it won’t. The Red Sox can’t rely on their bullpen in the playoffs, but hey, at least they have great starters, right? Right? Right?

Well, sure Chris Sale is having a Pedro-esque season against a very weak MLB, but where is he right now? Oh, that’s right, his second DL stint in recent memory for his shoulder. His first stint, I just thought it was buying him some rest, but now I have a bad feeling about this. David Price? Do I really need to be the millionth person to point out his career 5.03 post-season ERA? Not to mention, in 2016, when he was a starter in the post-season his ERA was 13.50 (per Baseball Reference). I can’t trust David Price in a big spot. Period. End of Sentence. Rick Porcello is so inconsistent that if I met him in real life, I don’t know if he would shake my hand or punch me in the balls.

Now for the offense, monstrous. And JD Martinez has proven to be a brilliant signing. The offense has a tendency to go quiet in the playoffs, per recent memory, and I’m not convinced that Martinez is enough to change that. I hope I’m wrong. Despite my words here, I will be the first one to go full-blown Boston and troll everyone if they win. Prove me wrong, boys.

Boston Bruins

I love the Bruins. Brad Marchand is my favorite rat. David Pastrnak is one of my favorite players right now. Patrice Bergeron is a stand-up player and a force to be reckoned. Charlie McAvoy is a stud. Tuukka Rask… not bad. The Bruins were a pleasant surprise this season, they were ahead of schedule. I was so excited to root for them as they proved everyone wrong, especially Mike Felger on the SportsHub. In fact, I have a soft spot for the 2017 Bruins team, as one of their eighth-inning goal scoring nights coincided with a wonderful evening I had with a hardcore Bruins fan, where we decided to take a shot for each goal scored. We stopped at five. It was a good night.

I can’t look forward to 2018 though and feel anything but a deep sense of dread. Sure the young kids will have another year of development behind them and we still have some young kids coming up that could really be impactful on this team. All you have to do though is look at the rest of the Atlantic Division. The Tampa Bay Lightning are still better than the Bruins. They’re faster and stronger and they’re young kids are better. I hate to see it, but it’s true. Not to mention, I still wouldn’t be surprised to see them get Erik Karlsson somehow. It’s not likely, but I wouldn’t be surprised. The Toronto Maple Leafs were just a smidge behind the Bruins this past season, but lest you forget, they added John Tavares this past offseason. He was the best member of this year’s free agent class for a reason and he’s enough to put the Maple Leafs above the Bruins.

The Bruins are still a strong team and a force to be reckoned with in the division, they could play spoiler for either Tampa or Toronto, but I don’t see them winning it.

Anton Khudobin left for the Dallas Stars this offseason too, and I would argue he’s why the Bruins were so good this year. He kept you alive while Tuuka was Puuka and was more than a good backup the rest of the way. Jaroslav Halak does not replace him. He has a decent career .916 save percentage (per ESPN), which is just a bit higher than Khudobin’s career  .915 (per NHL),  but last year Halak had a .908 and Khudobin had a point .913. It’s a downgrade.

I really want the Bruins to do well, as this is probably the last season for slapshot king Zdeno Chara, while Marchand and Bergeron aren’t getting any younger, but I just don’t see it happening, not while their division just became tougher while they did nothing to improve. Bruce Cassidy is a great coach, but he’s still new and he’s not a wizard.

Boston Celtics

I’ll be honest, even I have a tough time talking about why the Celtics are going to be bad, but I’m going to do my best. For one, they aren’t winning. Barring injuries, the Golden State Warriors are still the superior team. I think Boston can give them a good series, but I don’t see the Warriors losing. It’s another boring season we have coming up in that respect. Boston Celtics vs. Golden State Warriors is almost guaranteed to be the Finals.

Here’s where I see trouble coming.

Gordon Hayward is coming off of a horrific injury. Sure he’s looked great in those videos he’s been posting, but do you think he’s going to post videos that show him struggling? Daddy may always be happy, but happiness does not mean health. Kyrie Irving’s health is still a question mark too. A player that relies on cutting and quickness as much as him having knee problems is a red flag. If both players are healthy, this team will be a wagon, but any injuries can cause some major problems going forward. Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself here, but I do fear that Kyrie will leave Boston for the Knicks next offseason, and if that’s the case, how does his contract situation affect Boston?

Kyrie left Cleveland partly because Lebron wouldn’t commit long-term. Maybe I’m crazy, but I feel a bit of history repeating itself. Not saying Boston will implode like Cleveland did, but losing an All-Star point guard is not a good thing, and I’m sorry, but Terry Rozier and Marcus Smart are not good replacements. Again, let me reiterate, that I think the Celtics will be a great team this year and walk all over the East, but there is a darkness looming over the team we have to recognize. Doesn’t change the fact that Jayson Tatum is a stud though. God, he’s good.

In conclusion, I want to remind everyone that I am a huge fan of all these teams and if you troll me, I will troll you right back, but pessimism is a New England tradition, I am just doing my ancestors proud. I am a true Masshole. Eeyore out.

A 90s baby from New England, Chris currently resides in Indiana attending Indiana University for grad school. An unabashed New England sports fan, you will find Chris in equal measures criticizing and praising his team. When not developing hot takes Chris can be seen on the stage in various theatrical productions.

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