I love baseball season. I love it for all the usual reasons: the romance of the game, the failures, the comebacks, the surprises, the team spirit, the smells, the food, the weather, the routine of it all. All winter I secretly peek into my closet excitedly, anxiously, giddily beaming at my jerseys hanging up in the back of my closet, just waiting to be worn and usher in the hopes of a new season. I bet a lot of people have their little favorite things they love to love about baseball season, but I love baseball season for reasons that nobody ever loves baseball season for.
1. Baby Fry Forks
The good ol’ USA equivalent of ‘pinkies up!’
2. Getting tickets that have foolproof rain delay contingency plan
Those fancy-but-not-at-all indoor clubs that are essentially glorified dorm common rooms where you have to have access to get inside, the food tastes better, the drinks seem colder, and you feel like you’re one of the rich people on the Titanic when it rains.
3. The option to use 30 vacant ladies room stalls at once:
The only place on earth it kicks ass to be a woman who needs to pee.
4. The moment in between ordering a beer and the moment you realize it’s $40.
Anheuser Busch straight from the truck so it HAS to be good.
5. Butts in pinstripe pants.
Am I wrong?
6. The creativity involved in getting a t-shirt to be thrown at me by sorority girls and boys who like to wear backpacks.
Lauren, this is the most power you have ever had and it’s all thanks to a Beefy Tee and the fact that eBay exists.
7. Old People on the Kiss Cam
8. Awkwardly religious walk up songs.
Oh shit, Jesus! This beat is FIRE.
9. Creative heckling.
I had no idea Christian Yelich made his 10th grade Honor Roll last year.
10. Keith Hernandez affronted by someone’s colorful socks.
Green may be this year’s Pantone color, but it does NOT go with those cleats.
11. The look on a 6-year-olds face when they realize they just won tickets to a Steely Dan concert.
I almost died out there LAUREN. AND FOR WHAT?! FOR WHAT?!
12. The look on a 6-year-olds father’s face when he realizes his kid just won tickets to a Steely Dan concert.
We’re gonna need a babysitter… Lauren, are you free?
BONUS: From first pitch to final out, Daniel Murphy never stops talking— to himself, to others, to the ball, to Jesus, to his neighbors, to the ump…
- / 1 month ago
Calling all degenerates! Welcome to the life of turmoil and fading glory.