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The Scouting Reports Are In And It Doesn’t Look Good

All of the pictures in this blog are of Angel Hernandez getting yelled at, because when I googled “Angel Hernandez” all fo the pictures were him getting yelled at.

Angel Hernandez by Tunnelarmr is licensed under CC BY 2.0

The Scouting Reports Are In And It Doesn’t Look Good

Estimated Reading Time: 5 Minutes

MLB, don’t start the apocalypse.

Well the NBA playoffs are here again and the scouting reports on all the refs just came out. Lebron is pissed. His first series has him facing John “Dance Dance” Markinson who calls offensive fouls like he is calling his weed guy; early and often. Lebron is going to have a tough time facing him and of course the Indiana Pacers in the first round.  He will just have to live with it because human error is a charming part of the game.

Lionel Messi is doomed as he faces Real Madrid next week and of COURSE Henri ‘I hate left feet” Lobitard is going to be the hed Ref in that match. He HATES left footed players and Messi’s magical left is what he has built his career on. Henri has a hankering for calling penalties on left footed players ever since he was in highschool and a left-footed guy kicked him in the balls. He never forgot it, so Messi is going to have a rough match. Oh, he is also playing against a great team in Real Madrid.  He will just have to live with this because human error is a charming part of the game.

And last but not least Aaron Rodgers just saw his first regular season game and Ed “Roided Up” Hochuli is the ump in his first game. Ed never calls roughing the passer so you know Aaron is in for a HELL of a time that first game. But he will just have to live with getting 3-4 concussions because human error is a charming part of the game.

WTF!!!! If you were a NBA/NFL/or Soccer fan, you would laugh your asses off at this shit. This doesn’t seem real, but in the beautiful sport of baseball, it still is. Last week, I was watching a game and before the game started (and while I was finishing pouring my sweet almond milk into my bowl of delicious honey nut cheerios cause damn that shit is good.. I also add bananas cause I am CRAZY) I saw on the screen a scouting report….FOR THE UMPIRES. I almost threw my perfect bowl of cereal across my NYC apartment. WTF!!! I started pacing the room in horror at this notion. There are scouting reports for the people who officiate the damn game?!?!!? When did this occur? Am I so naive with my childhood love of this game that I never thought to look at this before?

The report ACTUALLY said “this ump calls k’s on right-handed batters much more frequently on the inside then with left-handed batters for an outside pitch” The ball arrives in the same spot but for Righties its a K and for Lefties its a ball. Do I live in bizarro world!!??!!? And people know this and do nothing? Is this Communist Russia where rules are like cakes and candies…meaning they don’t exist!?!?

Lo and behold there is a whole underbelly of statistics of pitchers against different umpires. UMPIRES!!!!! How are we still using stupid human beings as the deciders on balls and strikes and safe and out at home and if the batter was hit by a ball or not? Sure we have instant replay now but we don’t have them on balls and strikes of course and with that K box we can tell at home if the umpire is a moron or not. But scouting reports on umpires?!?!!?!? I mean I have always known that pitchers have to kinda know what the ump likes to call but actual scouting reports? How is this a thing? The fact that managers had to even start having scouting reports on umpires means that they affect the game THAT MUCH!!!!! shouldn’t the players affect the game? A scouting report?!?!? A SCOUTING REPORT ON UMPIRES!!!! OH I AM FORTUNES FOOL!!!!

Like in my first few paragraphs this would seem insane in any other sport. Yes, the refs have some sway in the NBA with fouls and refs in soccer def do because goals are SO important but not to this level. I just looked up Madison B’s numbers (with the help from Justin C) and you can see his splits against every umpire…every pitcher has this! WTF!!!!!! This truly boggles my mind to no end. Not only that but we also have Instant

May we PLEASE once and for all destroy this notion that getting rid of the umpire behind home plate will somehow hurt the game!? get those morons our of there! Get a sweet Dell or iMac or IBM back there to call k’s and balls for once. End this insanity of human emotion deciding these oh so important decisions! I cannot lose another fantasy championship on a strike out because Angel FUCKING Hernandez farted at the exact time a ball passed the plate and he exclaimed “YEAHHHHHH” which means strike, which means out. Computers don’t fart!!! they are perfect!

Don’t EVEN get me started on the  HORRIBLE Angel Hernandez, and his decisions to call k’s or balls even before the pitch has been thrown or people safe at first who are out or if the sun rises in the west and not the east. The man isn’t qualified to be valet-ing my car at a high-end McDonald’s.

I met him once and had to shake his hand and all I could think of while I was shaking his hand “this hand is connected to a brain that has made so many horribly bad decisions that I have had to live with for years and now your stupid DNA is infecting mine. God, I loathe you Angel Hernandez. You are the Angel of destruction to all baseball fans. (say this in Vince Vaughn’s voice talking to Ron Burgandy) I hate you, Angel Hernandez, i hate you!” And this man decides whats a ball and strike!!!!! THIS POUND OF FLESH!!!!

Editor’s Note: Angel Hernandez was the home plate umpire for Thursday Night’s 16 inning marathon game between the Mets and Marlins. By the time the game was over it was as if the strike zone did not matter and did not exist. It was WILD. The incredibly professional SNY play-by-play announcer Gary Cohen even uttered “and now in the 13th inning that’s considered a ball, for some reason.” If anyone was as bad at their job as Angel Hernandez is at his they would be fired.

But I digress…

MLB,  end this charade. once you have scouting reports on umps then you will have them on ball boys and then groundskeepers and then comes the apocalypse. Don’t start the apocalypse.

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