I am not a big fan of football. I know I know, this makes me less of a (man, American, human being in general), but I don’t. I think it’s a silly sport where you essentially are just running into other people while you both have armor on to move a ball across a line. Sure you have “plays” and stuff and you get to hear QB’s yell stupid things at the line of scrimmage (if I had to hear that albino scream Omaha one more time….) but for the most part its just a bunch of big guys hitting each other like rams on a mountain fighting for a hot lady goat, or a guy in a football helmet ramming a ram like a moron.
Yes that’s simplistic and I can already feel the hate mail, tweets, and texts (you all don’t have my number do you Shit…) coming at me. I also find it slow, boring, and honestly, nothing really happens. That’s right, nothing really happens in a football game. You don’t believe me? Think about it for a second: you have 30 seconds to run a play… usually, you run the play before it, guy gets tackled or runs out of bounds LIKE A BITCH!!!! And for the next 24 seconds, the other team is deciding the next play to run, but you don’t notice that because the GENIUS producers (I mean that sincerely) show replays for most of those 24 seconds. Either of the play that just happened, a play before, players standing around or some cheerleader making 50 bucks a game shaking her pom poms at you while you pretend that you don’t care. YOU CARE!!! ADMIT IT! (Also why are there still cheerleaders in football? I once saw cheerleaders at a Florida Panthers hockey game. WTF right? Can you imagine if the Red Sox had cheerleaders? Some guy from Southie would slide tackle all of them in a second and get a high five from the cops).
And now I am about to throw down the final piece of information at you children. Do you know that an average football game lasts 3 hours and 11 min, but if you tally up the time when the ball is actually in play, the action amounts to a mere 11 MINUTES. HA!!! Its true!
11 MINUTES!!!! That’s it. That’s all. In 3 hours you are watching 11 min of play. Again you don’t know that because of the …pom poms. I am sure you are thinking to yourself “this cannot be true. Minarik is a lying asshole, I hate him and his family especially his pet ferret “Mr. Spittles”. Well, IT IS TRUE BITCHES!!! And you know the best part?!?!?!!? To all those football fans out there who say baseball is boring because nothing happens?
A study conducted by the Wall Street Journal says that the average three-hour baseball game contains 18 minutes of game action taking place. 18 MINUTES OF ACTION!!!!
18 glorious minutes of running, walking, throwing, jumping, crotch grabbing, mouth breathing, bat corking, steroid using, spit-taking, bazooka Joe chewing, manager napping, bad “Angel Hernandez” decision making, relief pitcher sleeping, superstition batters box moving, hitting, stealing ACTION!!!!!!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA!!!! OH SUCK ON THAT FOOTBALL FANS! There is more action in a baseball game than there is in a football game! READ IT AND WEEP!!! Baseball is so full of action in comparison to football it almost has too much action! Its got more action than Action Jackson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AvMn2Vh0fQ! (Look it up, Millenials. quote from the trailer “Like a blast from a .44 Magnum, Carl Weathers makes “Action Jackson” a hero who delivers the goods!!!”)
SO I say this to you people who sit there and think… God, this game can feel slow sometimes, yes it can. But this game is a great game because it’s an anticipatory game. It’s a game of planning, and skill and chess. What is the pitcher going to throw on a 3-1 count to a left-handed batter with a man on 1st? Where does the 1b position himself? Watch the infield shift right before a pitch is thrown because they know where the ball will go if he actually hits the inside curve because they know what pitch is coming. I know I am preaching to the choir here, I mean you all are reading a baseball blog, but I just wanted to give you all ammo as the season kicks into high gear and those whiny ass football fans are all angry because their stupid sport hasn’t started yet so they make fun of us classy intelligent baseball fans about the BORING SLOW sport of baseball. I love all of you so much (well all of you except you…you know who I am talking about…I see you) and I want to make sure we are armed with information to shut down those bastard football people. So remember…you want 18 earth-shattering minutes of action? You cannot go to a stupid football game for that, no sir (or ma’am) you gotta come to the MLB, bitches.