For the single among us, times be tough. It’s been months since I’ve interacted with a gentleman my own age. A sea of online profiles that mistake liking “The Office” for having actual interests is all that remains for digital courtship. With this backdrop, and the imminent beginning of the 2020 MLB season, I’ve turned my attention to an underappreciated pool of bachelors- the many, the mighty, the Mascots.
Do you ever find yourself lost in a daydream, full-out imagining your life with someone? Where you get your favorite takeout…how he proposed…when you’re each going to take your parental leave…
I mean, I don’t. I’ve definitely never done that. I’m not a crazy person, mostly.
I did however, apply this thought exercise to all the official mascots of Major Leagues. This is the definitive, all-encompassing ranking, from least to beast, of the most datable mascots in baseball.
27. Orbit (Houston Astros)
GTFO. What do you want me to say? Once a cheater- always a cheater. I don’t care how much your grandma likes him, how good he was with your dog, or how many special occasions he remembered- this piece of trash showed himself to be what he is with flaming colors and we are not gonna fall for any redemption narrative. I hope you find happiness, Orbit, I truly do- it just isn’t gonna be with me or anyone I know. Bubyeeeee!!!
26. Slider (Cleveland Indians)
Wow wow wow. Ladies, do not try to recreate a good thing you lost with half the budget. Feels like you got dumped by the Phanatic and ended up here to remember. He’s basically walking around showing off a rash and is most famous for falling off a wall in an American League Championship Series game. This whole situation is a great chance to remember what you’re worth.
25. Pirate Parrot (Pittsburgh Pirates)
The Pirate Parrot is a coke dealer. He looks nice enough, but he deals drugs. This is why a google search is an incredibly useful habit to have. You could have gotten a month into dating this guy before a friend sent you a screen shot of the news story and a passive, “Um… is this the guy you’ve been talking about?”
24. Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays)
Have you ever been negged by a dude you know you are WAY out of their league but they still somehow feel entitled to note that you’re not model thin? Well no shit Raymond, but you literally have zero going for you body or otherwise so shut up. This is big angry and entitled dude vibes. Can’t help you with all the King of Queens you’ve been watching my man but personally, I’m not old enough to need to hit that red ‘settle’ button for you. This whole thing is made worse by the fact that I totally would be into DJ Kitty, not forever, but like, for a week or something. Ray must be jealous AF knowing his homie out here cleaning up with no competition.
23. The Oriole Bird (Baltimore Orioles)
Um…. Like, I don’t wanna be mean but… like…. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. Beauty’s only skin deep and blah blah blah but…. It’s a pass.
22. Blooper (Atlanta Braves)
Blooper is essentially the Phanatic on keto but the whole thing is a disappointment. Turns out the chub was the only thing faking a jaw line. And honestly, his ears look like breast pumps. I can’t do anything for him but say you’re lucky you’re kinda funny and don’t be afraid to shave that last tuft of hair my dude.
21. Fredbird (St. Louis Cardinals)
Imagine – IMAGINE! Introducing him to your parents. There’s not a single person in your life who’s gonna look into those strung out, compassionless eyes and say, “Yeah, sign up for that.” No matter what he’s doing, it looks aggressive. I’m not tryna spend my time with someone who says “What have you been up to?” and it sounds like a threat, not a question.
20. Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox)
Have you ever met someone from Boston?
19. Mr. Met (NY Mets)
Ok, no one get mad at me! I have NOTHING against Mr. Met. He’s a fine gentleman- personable, considerate, not overbearing in the least. He’s the coworker you laughingly refer to as your work husband but you’ve only ever side-hugged like a youth group leader and a tween. Guys, this man is MARRIED. Not only am I unwilling to pursue anything that violates this sacred bond- I’m weirdly going out of my way to become friends with Mrs. Met so she knows I’m not a threat. She’s invited to my girls-only birthday brunch, all texts with her man are on a group thread, I’m asking how she is at the company holiday party- you will not catch me slippin’ up. Girl, we good- that humanoid is all yours, respect and love.
18. Bernie (Milwaukee Brewers)
One time after an improv show all the guys on my team made fun of me for ordering a $6 draft beer instead of a $3 can of Pabst. This guy is BIG those vibes for me. Or maybe the type that thinks he’s better than me because he’s super into hoppy beer. PSA: knowing about beer is no more a personality trait than my ability to drink a whole bottle of wine on my own is a personality trait. Also, I kinda think Barrellman is better looking? Is that weird to say?
17. Stomper (Oakland A’s)
Stomper is a living contradiction. Elephants CAN’T RUN. They literally cannot physically leave the ground to run and you’re telling me this is the best you’ve got to rep a team called the Athletics? Furthermore, his whole look is bad plastic surgery. This kid got his ears pinned, a face lift, a nose job, and a little bit of lipo and ya know what he looks like now? A mouse. Tell me that is not a mouse. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Faking is not a cute look on anyone.
16. Southpaw (Chicago White Sox)
I know he’s supposed to be a glow-up but is he? Ribbie and Roobarb at least have some retro charm but this guy? He seems like the friend’s boyfriend’s friend she keeps trying to set you up with promising that he’s cuter once you get to know him. I don’t know, I guess I could get lunch with him once to get her off my case and say I tried. I know that’s mean, he has a mother somewhere that loves him.
15. Screech (Washington Nationals)
Screech has got to be the prototype for all boring men on bumble. You ever tried to talk to someone who, although they have a job, a family, friends, hobbies, and an education has like, nothing to say about it? Like somehow they got to adulthood without a single opinion or point of view? Screech is coasting through life on the benefit of connections and proximity to influence and will definitely be financially stable but can you stand how personality-less he is? I couldn’t do it. Also, it’s weird he has hands. It just is.
14. Mr. Red / Mr. Redlegs / Gapper / Rosie Red (Cincinnati Reds)
This is tricky because they really do introduce themselves as a SQUAD. I highly recommend checking out the Reds official website page for them which is the most comparable thing to an MLB Hinge profile I’ve seen. The most approachable for sure is Mr. Red- his bio describes him as ‘lean’ and he likes Bruce Springsteen. Seems like he’d offer to help you move. Gotta wonder how much room there is in his life for someone new though.
13. Billy the Marlin (Miami Marlins)
So Billy’s alright. He has a nice smile, lives in a pretty cool city. (even if the humidity is rough on my hair) His main downside is being caught somewhere in the middle of an Anamorphs book cover. But is showing up to a wedding with him better than showing up alone? Probably.
12. Clark (Chicago Cubs)
Plato’s concept of the ideal is not that of peak desirability, but rather, ultimate epitome. The perfect rendering of an idea. Clark is the Platonic ideal of ‘some guy’ and if you didn’t date him in college, why start now? Not a single friend will give you shit for dating him and not a single friend will pretend to miss him when he’s gone.
11. Ace (Toronto Blue Jays)
The reality here is that Ace is a divorcé and single dad. And that’s totally cool, but he’s not really upfront about it. Please do not pretend that Junior is your little brother and please do not act like Diamond just disappeared. If this gets serious they’re gonna be a part of my life too and we need to be honest about that. The whole thing is a little messy but there’s a pretty big upside with dual citizenship. Can definitely look past the drama for access to healthcare.
10. Swinging Friar (SD Padres)
Ok, there is obviously one big hurdle here: in order to get together he would have to leave his religious order to which he has sworn life-long commitment. BUT! After that? You’ve got yourself a values-driven man of God, honey! You have to remember that haircut is a choice! He actually probably has a full head of hair which is a selling point to be sure. You know he’s well-read, lives simply, and you would have an excuse to visit San Diego.
9. Rangers Captain (Texas Rangers)
Rangers Captain is fun because his name sounds like he has some kind of power or authority but really he’s just horsing around. A great example of no real red flags but nothing super compelling either. This is the guy your roommates convince you to keep giving a chance to after multiple boring dates and eventually you just kinda get used to him and now you’re engaged I guess. Wedding to be held in any hotel ballroom (shabby chic converted barn was a little too close to home).
8. Sluggerrr (Kansas City Royals)
Ok, Sluggerrr is hot. It’s just the truth. He’s kinda quirky too like, opts for nail polish and the cervid crown situation is a little weird but he’s hot. The fact that he threw a hot dog at a fan so hard it injured them is kinda a plus for me. Like, “Sorry I was doing my job too awesome for you, get on my level.” (the lawsuit was dismissed) But honestly, am I gonna live in Kansas City? Sure sure, barbeque, blues, there’s stuff there. But when people describe the city they’re describing a decent overnight stay on a cross-country road trip, not a place I’m gonna move to.
7. Paws (Detroit Tigers)
I kinda expected the live version of Tony the Tiger, walking around all cocky, ‘roid rage taking over once a day. But no- Paws is humble. He’s just being himself, trying to get through another season with grace, stickin’ with his city even through rough times. His favorite food? It’s Little Cesar’s Pizza. I’m not saying I’m with him on that, but I do appreciate the authenticity. Nothing to prove- just here trying his best like everyone else in his hometown. Paws, I would be happy to waste a few months of my life pretending to be happy just sittin’ home with you eating pizza pizza.
6. D. Baxter the Bobcat (Arizona Diamondbacks)
OOO he’s got ‘phase’ written all over him! Clearly built in like a ‘how do you have time for all those deadlifts’ kinda way. It’s hot… but also… where you gettin’ that time? Leading with a single initial is a favorite pseudo intellectual move you could definitely convince yourself is actual intellectualism for a couple months. Perfect if for no other reason that being able to say “I’ve dated hotter guys than you” to future exes.
5. Phillie Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies)
We’re all just looking for someone to love and support us the way we are. He’s gonna be your greatest fan, it’s literally in his name. Feels like I could gain a little weight and he would never say a word about it. In fact, he’s gonna order “fries for the table” knowing I’m about to eat them all myself. He loves to have fun but not in a blackout drunk way. Obviously supports my zipper free lifestyle. (he’s wearing leggings himself) I think this might be what a simple life with someone looks like. No fireworks but completely sustainable.
4. Mariner Moose (Seattle Mariners)
Ya ever meet someone who just sorta fell into their profession? Baby, that is this Moose. He’s not about the money, he’s not about the fame. It actually doesn’t make any kind of logical sense for him to be here but he’s giving his all, good attitude, every damn day. Makes me wanna raise a baby with him. Also, we’re close to the same age which is pretty rare in the mascot game. Lookin’ for someone you don’t have to make excuses or apologies for? That’s him right there. Luv you.
3. Dinger (Colorado Rockies)
I can give you no good reason for this other than “The heart wants what it wants” He’s got kind of a baby face, but you know he’s an old soul. I feel like he wouldn’t get mad enough to yell, like ever, but he’s strong enough to pick me up? Maybe what I love most about him is that I don’t have to babysit him at a party, ya know? Like, he has fun talking to my friends and we’re here together but can also be on our own but also we have an eye on each other? I don’t know- you don’t have to get it. We’re grateful for what we have.
2. Lou Seal (SF Giants)
This sweetheart. Is he what I would have imagined for myself? No. Are we so happy together, yes honey YES! Do you know how hard it is to find a man who is genuinely comfortable around my gay friends? He had an entire ad campaign built around including The Castro! The only shaming I want my man to do is with his sic moves on the dance floor. This boo is coming with me to gay nuptials near and far and bringing that good energy everywhere he goes. 10/10 would recommend even after a hard break-up.
1. T.C. Bear (Minnesota Twins)
I’m here for T.C. Bear. He seems like a really nice guy with great people skills. He’s a couple years younger than me but not in a way that makes me feel old. His persona was initially based on beer but honestly, same for most men. He’s grown out of that phase for the most part though and now just like… will drink a beer, but it’s not a central part of his identity. Also, the Twin Cities are cool! Sort of a rough patch right now but things are getting better! Maybe I want to be a part of the community coming back stronger! Also, maybe I want to have an excuse to hibernate through 5 months of unrelenting cold through the winter months. It’s just me and T.C.’s lifestyle. It’s not for everyone, but it works for us.
A note about the teams with no mascot:
You may notice that the Dodgers, Angels, and Yankees are missing from this list. None of them have official mascots. The Dodgers have had a range of ‘performance characters’ each more terrifying to behold than the last. The Angels have a real, actual monkey that has been exploited through the superstition of rallying from behind. The Yankees, most Yankees fans will tell you, do not nor have they ever had a mascot because they’re too classy for that tripe. This is a lie.
The Yankees had a mascot from 1979-1981 name Dandy and if he were alive today he would be dead last on this list. This bowling pin of a man looks like a product of his time in the way that workplace sexual harassment was a ‘product of its time’. I imagine him today reeking of the Yankees cologne line (which is still a real thing you can purchase at your local Macy’s or Walmart) and says that you’re just not smart enough to ‘get’ him even though you definitely do, you’re just don’t like it.
- / 10 hours ago
It's Week 3... and the computer didn't pick Chris Herndon this time