Because some women like sports, but not your girlfriend.
Sometimes it’s fun when holidays collide, like your birthday being on a holiday Monday or when people have anniversaries on something like New Year’s Eve. There was the one year I had a Valentine’s Day date on Ash Wednesday and let me tell you, most romantic Ash Wednesday of my life.
This year presents a predicament however- Valentine’s day Monday follows Super Bowl Sunday. Oh no!! Maybe your significant other wants to do something over the weekend because it’s more convenient but you had plans to spend the day drinking Natty Lights and expressing socially acceptable physical touch with your male friends! Maybe your significant other just plans to watch with you and you know your behavior will be so charmless you won’t make it to the 14th with the relationship intact.
Well never fear my sweet baby boys, I got you covered. Whether you’re looking to set yourself up for success or do a relationship building 2-for-1 on Sunday, the good news is, straight men are so consistently disappointing it won’t take much to woo that gal of yours (the bar is seriously on the floor). So screenshot this page, make your to-do list, and let’s get going on…
13 Ways to Make Your Super Bowl More Romantic
Keep it light by inviting your gender balanced friend group over.
This should be easy, king. I know you already avoid male only spaces because of the frequency with which they devolve to toxicity. We can’t wait to meet the interesting women you have healthy boundaries with and the men that appreciate them.
Give your girl that gooood spot on the couch.
You know the one I mean. It’s probably a corner. Don’t have a sectional? Hand her no less than four throw pillows to get comfy- she’s gonna wedge herself between two, put one behind her head, and one on her lap. Temple Grandin had it right.
Every time you want to say, “Baby, can you grab me…?”
Stop. Don’t. Stand up. Go get it yourself.
Every time you stand up to get something for yourself…
Stop. Turn. Ask her if she wants the thing you’re getting or anything else. Women in fact often want food or a beverage. I understand if you don’t believe me- the media has lied to you about this for years but trust me, women need to eat several times every single day. This may be one of them.
You do the shopping.
Go to the store before Sunday hits and pick up whatever it is you want to eat and drink. DON’T FORGET PAPER GOODS OR DISPOSABLES IF YOU’RE HOSTING! While you’re there, pick up the things you know she likes to eat from all the time you’ve spent paying attention to her likes and dislikes. (Beginner level: Before you go to the store check her fridge and pantry for clues)
Research the starters wives’ and girlfriends’ accomplishments.
This way, whenever the cameras cut to them you have something to say other than their a comment about appearance. Did you know that Alisa Chernomashentsev was on the fencing team at the Airforce Academy? Her husband Trey is an athlete too, a DE for Cincinnati. Don’t worry about their long-term income though, she’s been working all pandemic toward a master’s in healthcare. Pretty cool, huh?
Praise all the wives of veteran players for the emotional labor they’ve done over the years.
Can you imagine how hard it would be to raise kids, maintain a comfortable home, and invest in a relationship when your spouse is largely unavailable to you half the year? YOU CAN! YOU JUST DID! You know what emotional labor and invisible labor are and you appreciate anyone who does them! You use these words when your partner does them! You do them too!
Feel disgusted when the sportscasters praise a player who is known to be violent to women.
For bonus romance points, just leave the room when anyone says Joseph Mixon’s name. Women really like when a man shows that he’s not comfortable with any kind of assault against them, even if the dirtbag leads the team in rushing.
Don’t say you could be doing better than anyone on the field.
It’s not true. You’re not a professional athlete. It wasn’t your torn ACL in 8th grade that kept you from those imaginary D1 scholarships. We know all this. We don’t really care, but just like… don’t bring attention to it with this asinine comment, it gives us the ick.
Don’t’ say you could be doing better than any of the coaches.
Please see above. I will provide the one exception of if you’re saying you could at least stay off the field unlike McVey. That’s probably true, you can have that.
During the half time show, shut the hell up.
No additional notes.
When she talks to you, look at her.
No additional notes.
Clean up everything, light a candle.
No additional… no, actually, in the name of clarity- this should be a good smelling candle. Not like a candlestick or a tea light, it probably has three wicks. This isn’t to “set the mood” or anything idiotic like that- it’s to signal that space has now been returned to its former coequal, peaceful stasis. Where you go after that is all up to the two of you crazy kiddos. Good luck!
Author’s note: This has nothing to do with the Super Bowl but because I love you- no heart-shaped jewelry, no charm bracelets, no candy from CVS. You got this!
- / 1 year ago
To me, Rachel Nichols is the personification of posting a black square on Instagram.