To be completely honest, I think I have finally come to terms with “The Football Team.” When the NFL Franchise that calls Washington, D.C. (but really Virginia) home, and changed their name from a racial epitaph to “The Washington Football Team”, I was one of those people who griped about how lackluster it was.

You wanna name the football team that plays in Washington… The Washington Football Team… Are you feeling alright over there?

But truthfully, I’ve grown accustomed to it. I don’t love it when football pundits call them “the Football Team” as in “The Raiders are taking on The Football Team.” Just call them “Washington”. That’s the clearest defining term in their name. Every game is between two football teams, not just one. Don’t be stupid.

But now, “The Football Team” has announced that they will be choosing a new name at the end of the 2021-22 season. But their selection of names… sucks, to put it bluntly.

Ew.

All of these names sound like they were created by an alien who came to earth, studied the names of every high school mascot in the U.S and then reported them back to their spaceship. Actually, no. If that were true we’d at least get “Earth” in there.

The Washington Earth Admirals. Perhaps, The Washington Earth Commanders. Even better, there’s The Washington Earth Defenders. Those are fantastic.

But in reality, I just don’t understand why every professional sports team sucks at picking a new name. When playing Madden and starting a season with a custom team, you can pick the colors, and logo of your fake team. All of these names feel like they were selected from the Madden Team Logo Generator. And that sucks. None of these feel remotely unique to the area, the location, or the fan base. Sure, “Red Hogs” is close to pigs, or pigskins which is how some journalists referred to them under their old name. As for the color of those hogs… Mr. Snyder… we’re not idiots.

All in all, these all feel like what your drunk uncle thinks the names of XFL or AAF teams are. That’s not good when your team plays in the NFL, and yet the NCAA has teams named something cooler than you. Even the Canadian Football League has the Eskimos, the Argonauts, and the Alouettes. You gotta do better in the nation’s capital.

Figure it out, Washington. These names are BORING and BLAND, much like your brand of football in 2021.