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Earl Thomas’ Barometer for Normal is Way Off

Earl Thomas’ wife held a gun to his head while he was naked in bed with his brother and another woman. His response? “Stuff like this happens.” What?

Confused by CollegeDegrees360 is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Earl Thomas’ Barometer for Normal is Way Off


Estimated Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Hi everyone. There’s a developing news story coming out of Austin, Texas about Baltimore Ravens, and former Seattle Seahawks star Earl Thomas. And you can read all about it on TMZ, ESPN, NBC Sports, etc. I’ll give you the general overview, but the story poses a much larger question than just a simple retelling of the facts, so I’ll get it over quickly.

What happened to Earl Thomas?

Nina Thomas, the wife of Earl Thomas, claims she had an argument with the Free Safety about his drinking. He got into a car with his brother Seth and left. Later, she checked his location by logging into his Snapchat (more on this later) and found a video of Earl with another woman. Using Snapchat (is this how Snapchat works?) she tracked him down to an Airbnb in the area, grabbed her husband’s 9mm Beretta, and set out to “scare him”.

Upon arrival, Nina (and three women she brought with her to confront her husband) discovered Thomas naked in bed with his brother and other women. She then took his gun out (without magazine but unbeknownst to her a bullet in the chamber) and placed it to his head.

Cops intervened, she was arrested.

Why am I writing about this?

Well y’all, look. This is news, and I guess we’re a sports news website, and so we’re here. But my eye was caught by something else, and that something else has led me down a rabbit hole this evening.

You see, TMZ reached out to both Earl Thomas and Nina Thomas for comment.

Nina Thomas’ lawyer provided the following statement:

“I am here to declare that my client unequivocally and categorically denies these allegations and we look forward to our day in court where we can clear her good name.”

Jonathan Goins

Earl Thomas put out his own statement, and it goes like this:

“Instead of talking about us, just keep us in y’all prayers. “Stuff like this happens. We try to live the best lives we possibly can. Sometimes it doesn’t go as planned.”

Earl Thomas III

…What?

Earl. What do you think is normal? Stuff like this happens? Your wife found you in bed naked with another woman and your brother. She then held a gun to your head that she thought was unloaded but was loaded. She found you because there was a video of you and this woman on your Snapchat account. That snapchat account also has location services?

Sidebar

Is that how Snapchat works? Man, Snapchat is terrifying. Everyone uninstall that right now.

Anyways, I got distracted. What I’m really here to ask is:

What else does Earl Thomas think happens?

I present to you a list of 10 batshit stories I find less absurd than this one that Earl Thomas probably thinks happens on the regular.

  1. NFL players put a live alligator in their coach’s shower, and almost voted not to tape its mouth shut.
  2. This Florida man managed to reverse his car at a bank for so long he hopped a curb and drove on top of two parked cars.
  3. Tom Cruise is going to make a movie in space.
  4. Indiana Hoosiers’ Basketball Coach Tom Crean told his managers to capture a live bat that he could use to motivate his team.
  5. Neil Gaiman found out that Amanda Palmer was divorcing him after she told her fans on Patreon.
  6. A Maine Lady was unsuccessful at scaring off a fox, so she strangled it and shoved it into a chicken-scalding pot. (I am from Maine…what is a pot used for scalding chickens)
  7. Robert Pattinson made up a false memory of watching a clown die for no reason on national television.
  8. A guy set up a Playstation on a Metro-North train and took off his shoes to play it.
  9. Human beings are actually unearthing Egyptian burial chambers despite the entire world actually imploding from a plague.
  10. I don’t know…Murder Hornets? A polar vortex hitting the northeast in May? Whatever this is?

The point is–Earl Thomas, stuff like this does not happen.

Ned is an Actor and award-winning Content Creator based out of Brooklyn, New York. Currently you can hear him as a voice actor on the podcast Encounter Party!, and as the host of the podcast At the Table: A Play Reading Series. Originally from Portland, Maine, Ned is an avid follower of all things New England, be it sports teams, breweries, seafood, or Cumby's. He spends most of his free time playing board games, listening to podcasts, and gawking at dogs on the street. You can learn more on his website, www.neddonovan.com

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