I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way. Dolphins and Titans players probably felt like they played 10 weeks-worth of games after their game finally came to an underwhelming conclusion after 7 hours and 10 minutes! The entire Star Wars trilogy (ahem, the good trilogy) has a 6 hours and 32 minutes running time. So yeah, we could have watched the entire Star Wars trilogy and then some instead of the Dolphins-Titans game. What were we thinking? This was the longest NFL game played since the merger in 1970.
In a crazy Week 1, we learned that rookie head coaches suck, saw our first helmet rule ejection (that was quick), witnessed the Jets play good football for the first time since probably The Beach Boys released their Pet Sounds album (that was 1966 by the way), saw Aaron Rodgers have a Willis Reed moment in the Packers’ crazy comeback win, watched the FitzMagic School Bus drive through New Orleans, and put up with a tie in Cleveland. A tie…in Cleveland. Are you kidding me!? Seeing two teams tie in the first week of the season is like watching Godfather Part III. Yeah…the bad Godfather. When you tie the Cleveland Browns, I think you have to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror.
Yes, the Browns are better this year, but we’re talking about a team that has thrown a parade for going winless in a season. Now, they probably should throw an even BIGGER parade to celebrate the tie, because they are already a better team than last year. Or maybe the league ought to give the Browns an extra bye week. They should be rewarded for their great achievement. Three cheers for progress, Cleveland! Yay!
Now I normally keep track of how well I do with my weekly picks throughout the NFL season, but with the Steelers-Browns tie, I wasn’t quite sure how to account for that. But then I realized a tie is pretty much a win for the Browns, and I picked the Browns to win, so you know what…I am counting my pick as a win, whether you like it or not. Deal with it. Alright, to the picks!
Week 1 Record: 10-6
Ravens at Bengals (Thursday Night @ 8:20PM)
Jeeeesus. How many flags are we going to see in this one? What’s the over/under for ejections? I think the NFL is really trying to make Thursday Night Football more entertaining, and there is no better way to do that than to throw these two teams into a pit that is Paul Brown Stadium and watch them fight to the death. That’ll rake in the money and boost the ratings, and it will be at that moment when we look up into the stadium’s press box to see Emperor Goodell sitting next to a platter of cheese, grapes, and smashed NFL video tapes. Bengals win 23-21.
Editor’s Note: This game happened and the Cincinnati A.J. Greens beat the Ravens 34-23.
Panthers at Falcons (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
I should have known better than to pick a Steve Sarkisian offense against a defense such as Philly’s. But I’m picking the Falcons again, because the Panthers are pretty banged up and, quite frankly, they didn’t look too great against the Cowboys despite pulling out the victory. Falcons win 24-20.
Chargers at Bills (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
When my blood alcohol content on a Sunday afternoon is higher than your quarterback’s passer rating, you have problems. Nathan Peterman completed 5 of 18 passes for 24 yards against the Ravens on Sunday. That is why the Bills are turning to rookie Josh Allen for the Week 2 start. I actually think Allen could be a good quarterback in the league and I probably have a little more faith in him than most people do. However, I don’t think he’s taking this game from the Chargers. Chargers win 28-14.
Vikings at Packers (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
I know the game is at Lambeau Field, and everyone and their dog think the Packers are invincible there. But I think the Vikings are the better team, and I don’t know how healthy Aaron Rodgers really is. I’ll take the Vikings in this one. Vikings win 23-20.
Texans at Titans (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
Watson looked out of it last week, and I think he probably is still in the
midst of rebounding physically and/or psychologically from his ACL injury. Maybe
eventually we will see the version of Watson who shot out of a cannon with his
hair on fire in the first half of last season, but I don’t think he’s there
yet. I like the Titans to get their first win at home. Yes, even without Delanie
Walker. Titans win 24-20.
Browns at Saints (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
Ok Browns fans, it was fun in Week 1, it was fun, but now you’re playing a better team, on the road, against a quarterback who won’t have a million turnovers. Saints are pissed too. They just lost to the bottom dweller of their division (at least form last season). Saints won’t allow this one to get away from them. Saints win 31-20.
Dolphins at Jets (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
Normally if I’m given the opportunity to catch a Dolphins-Jets game, I’d rather go caulk some windows. But after blowing up Matt Patricia and the Lions in Detroit, I am at least a little…curious.
Watching the Jets vs. Lions game, I thought the Jets defense looked GREAT. I thought to myself, their defense looks good, they have a solid running game, and so if Sam Darnold can at least keep his shit together, the Jets could be intriguing.
Then the next day we all found out that the Jets defense practically knew every single one of the Lions’ signals and offensive formations during the game.
I knew the Jets defense was too good to be true. Luckily for them, they get to face the team who won the award for “Wildest GM in the Land” last season (it’s not a real award, but it should be). I like the Jets to keep rolling this week; whether they know the Dolphins’ offensive plays or not. Jets win 21-17.
Chiefs at Steelers (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
If you turn the ball over six times against the Browns, you can get away with a tie. Turn the ball over six times against the Chiefs? You’ll lose 60-10. Now are the Steelers going to turn the ball over that many times again this Sunday? No. But as a Steelers fan, what I am concerned about is Big Ben trying to get into a shoot out he thinks he can win; with a banged-up elbow. And did you see Patrick Mahomes on Sunday? He wasn’t playing the Buffalo Bills. Mahomes looked SHARP, throwing for 256 yards with 4 TDs on 15 for 27 passing.
The Steelers normally play very well against Andy Reid and the Chiefs, but there is a cloud hovering over this Steelers squad. There’s more drama in that Pittsburgh locker room than you can find in a season of Vampire Diaries. It’s ridiculous, and as a Steelers fan, I am begging for it to stop. Both quarterbacks may have big games, but I just don’t have enough faith in the Steelers right now. Chiefs take in in a high-scoring affair. Chiefs win 40-33.
Eagles at Buccaneers (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
It’s the Back-Up Quarterback Bowl! Nick Foles is back under center for the Eagles and the Bucs will still be without Jameis Winston, so Ryan Fitzpatrick will be back in the saddle. The Eagles are still banged up a bit, and after taking down the Saints, the Buccaneers should have all the confidence and momentum in the world going into this game at home. The Eagles defense could cause some trouble up front, but I am on this FitzMagic carpet ride! Give me the upset. Buccaneers win 26-21.
Colts at Redskins (Sunday @ 1PM ET)
The Redskins have a running back who drinks from the Fountain of Youth. Meanwhile, I think the Colts are still trying to figure their backs out. Andrew Luck threw the ball 53 times last week! I don’t think he will throw as much this time around, as the Redskins will do a better job of managing the clock and running the ball. I’ll take Washington. Redskins win 24-20.
Cardinals at Rams (Sunday @ 4:05PM ET)
Rams are playing on shorter rest and face a better defense this time around. But then again, a piñata is a better defense than the Raiders’ so I guess that is not saying too much. The Rams may regress a bit from last week, but I still think the Rams handle the Cardinals pretty well here. Rams win 28-14.
Lions at 49ers (Sunday @ 4:05PM ET)
The Lions were embarrassed last week, but that should motivate them to get their shit together this Sunday…and I think they will. I honestly don’t think the Lions are as bad as they looked, and I am not as high on the 49ers this year as most people are. I think San Francisco struggles a bit on offense again and the Lions will manage to rebound and win a tight one. Look for Matt Prater to come through in the clutch. Lions win 19-17.
Raiders at Broncos (Sunday @ 4:25PM ET)
The Raiders are just completely lost right now and even Case Keenum can set Gruden’s face on fire.
I just don’t see Oakland pulling this off on the road. I think Denver will win big. Broncos win 31-14.
Patriots at Jaguars (Sunday @ 4:25PM ET)
If Leonard Fournette plays, I think Jaguars will win this game. Otherwise, Blake Bortles will have practically no offense, and I don’t care how great Jacksonville’s defense is. If Fournette is out, I just cannot imagine the Jaguars getting the win. New England is simply too good of a team.
Jaguars will need their star running back if they want to win. I truly believe Fournette will be back…but still not completely healthy, and that just might be enough for me to say the Patriots take this one. But boy it won’t be easy. Patriots win IN OVERTIME 23-20.
Giants at Cowboys (Sunday Night @ 8:20PM ET)
I was not impressed at all with the Cowboys last week. Dak Prescott didn’t do much of anything, and his offensive line is banged up. I’m not sold on Dallas’ secondary either and I expect Eli Manning to effectively spread the offense downfield.
The Cowboys were kept scoreless for the first three quarters of their game against the Panthers last week. Besides Ezekiel Elliott, there really isn’t much to work with on that offense. Give me Big Blue to take this one against their rivals on the road. Giants win 23-17.
Seahawks at Bears (Monday Night @ 8:15PM ET)
For a quarterback who spends the majority of a game running for his life because of his atrocious offensive line, the very last person Russell Wilson probably wants to see is Khalil Mack. But at the end of the day, if I’m choosing between Russell Wilson and Mitchell Trubisky, I’m picking Wilson every day and twice on Sundays (even though this is Monday Night!). Let’s just hope he’s not…you know…dead by the end of the game. Also, WHO IS WILL DISSLY? Who are you?! Seahawks win 27-17.
Enjoy the games!
Wanna feel nostalgic for last week? Check out the Week 1 Preview!
- / 1 year ago
To me, Rachel Nichols is the personification of posting a black square on Instagram.