Alright people, *cracks knuckles* “Fryin‘ ‘n Buyin‘!” Whoops. Sorry, Knuckles. So! We got through the Pro Bowl (is anyone actually all about that game? Anyone? Tweet at me, because I genuinely would like to know how that is possible.)
So we’re 8 days removed from the last time a real game of football was played, and we are all collectively running out of hot takes to publish. Thank God for media week. Literally, thank him (her? Can we stop gendering metaphysical omnipotent beings?) I prayed last night while I wept into the 37th clickbait on the Patriots that I’ve drafted, “Which Puppy Represents You Watching Gronk in the Super Bowl?” We won’t get any statements from the team or players until 7:10pm, and my editors are demanding at least 6 more between now and then, so here we go. Do you love Astrology? Everyone loves Astrology. So let’s dig into it. Which team should you root for according to your Zodiac Sign? Because I have no standards or morals left.
If I say Zodiac and Astrology here it’s better for SEO
This can’t be too hard, right? I mean how many Zodiac signs are there? Like, four? It’s basically the houses of Hogwarts, right? You’re either Brave in a way that is weirdly specific since Bravery comes in many different shapes and si–OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FIGURED OUT THE POINT OF HARRY POTTER. Or you’re shockingly evil yet given a pass because school. You could also be super smart and into books though there seems to be a bunch of bookworm smart characters that are vitally important to the plot that aren’t in Ravenclaw. Or you’re……miscellaneous? Looking at you, Puffs.
Twelve? There are TWELVE!? God, is it too early for a drink? YES I KNOW IT’S 9:36AM SO WHAT?! WHAT?! DON’T TOUCH ME. I SWEAR TO GOD, COLOMBO, I WILL BREAK THAT WHOLE KINKY BOOT OFF IN YOUR–
[Editor’s Note: We made Ned take a walk.]
Whew. Hey guys, I’m back. I’m calm. I’m collected. I have coffee. Sweet, sweet coffee. FIRING UP THE ASTROLOGY.
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
So Google tells me that Aquarius is an air sign. Like AIRING IT OUT?! So we’re talking Quarterbacks here. Normally I’d say in a battle between Nick Foles and Tom Brady, we all know who’s going to be the air traffic controller, but did you see the games 8 days ago? Damn, Nick Foles. He threw touchdowns of 53 and 41 yards, much of which came through the air. So if we’re looking at recent experience (like….1 recent game, because I refuse to compare their career stats out of respect for….well….myself) then Nick Foles has the edge. I think I hate myself for writing those words. This has been the hottest take. WHAT ELSE?
Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN’T KEEP THE FORMATTING CONSISTENT? THIS IS A GODDAMNED ASTROLOGY ARTICLE, COLOMBO! Oh. The dash? Yeah, I can fix that.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
Pisces is a musical zodiac sign. Several Eagles players attended the rally in defense of rap artist Meek Mill, whose song “Dreams & Nightmares” has become a rallying cry for the Eagles on their quest for a Lombardi. Since Meek Mill is serving 2-4 years under a questionable sentence, and the Eagles seem to be inspiring him to keep his head up during this time, Pisces should be rooting accordingly.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Now I’m doing it just to screw with you, Colombo. I won’t fix it.
The Zodiac sign of the ram. It feels weirdly wrong to not award this automatically to the Los Angeles Rams, but, you know, they’re not in the Super Bowl. So be better next time, guys, and maybe you too can be selected in a meaningless filler article about Astrology.
Aries are extremely well-organized, and capable of multi-tasking at a high rate. Much like….Bill Belichick! That’s right, the Hoodie. It also helps that Aries is the God of War, and if I were to name someone in the NFL “God of War” it would be BB. How does he multi-task, you ask? Look, no team makes second half adjustments like the hooded one. Do we think that’s his coordinators? Or do we think that’s BB taking control after letting the coordinators have the first half. It’s definitely the latter. He’s 10 steps ahead of you in every game of chess you could think of. If we’re looking at the Super Bowl as a war, and we really shouldn’t, but let’s do it anyway because life is meaningless, then Bill Belichick is the God you want at the helm.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
1/3rd of the way through, people. Dear God, what have I done. TAURUS!
Besides being a remarkably benign model of Ford car, Taurus is the zodiac sign for those who are reliable, patient, practical, and stable. This site tells me they are “sensual and tactile” and “feel the need to be surrounded by love and beauty”. Well I dunno what says love and beauty to you, but for the sake of argument and for evening the score at 2/2 we’re gonna say love and beauty is Gisele Bündchen. Which leaves us with the GOAT himself, Tom Brady! Does this come as a shock to you? Reliable? Patient? Practical? Stable? Tom might as well get a new nickname of “Ol’ Faithful” (because you don’t want to step on Yellowstone’s copyright) he’s been consistent for so long. Patient? That guy will go through his progressions twice if you give him the time. (Hint to the Eagles, don’t give him the time). Practical? Brady is the king of the nickel and dime passing attack. Nothing is more practical than that. And stable? He’s like eight bazillion years old and just led the league in Passing Yards. Yeah. He’s stable.
AND SO AM I, COLOMBO. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
The zodiac sign of the twins! Well this is an easy one. Thanks, Astrology!
Did you know that there are twin brothers currently on the Patriots payroll? Jacob Hollister is the third Tight End for the team, while his brother Cody is a practice squad wide receiver. They’re roommates, and they sing a mean Ed Sheeran cover. If that’s their apartment though it makes me uncomfortable. Get some light. Up your production values. Get your shit together Hollisters.
Should you need some help with that, I run a video production company called Charging Moose Med— What, Colombo? I can’t promote my other company on your website? Ugggghhhhh Fine. But I’m not deleting it. NO, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED FOR THE LAST TIME.
Where was I? Oh! Twins. The Hollisters are awesome, and are headed to their first super bowl. Therefore, all you Gemini out there should be rooting for the Patriots.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
….that’s a terrible sentence to say out loud. I should really not stream of consciousness these articles. Too late now, I’m committed.
I’m a Cancer, so I should know this one, but the extent of my zodiac knowledge stops at knowing that I am, indeed, a Cancer. It’s a cyclical loop like that. I honestly didn’t know what to put in here, so I read this page and it includes the following sentence – “Patriotism can make them endanger their own wellbeing, fighting for someone else’s cause.”
PATRIOT IS LITERALLY IN THE SENTENCE. Therefore you guys are rooting for the Patriots. Which is good, because I am rooting for the Patriots, and if this extremely scientific and exact article had told me I had to root for the Eagles I may have cried. For the twelfth time today. Man the F in twelfth is weird. have you ever thought about it? The more you emphasize it the more it feels wrong. Twelfth. *shudder*
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
I had to do some quick googling to find something useful for Leo. The Astrology websites tell me that they’re loyal and natural-born leaders. Every single one also uses the phrase “king of the jungle”, which I found abhorrently on the nose. But we’re over halfway done and so the finish line is in sight.
So what did Google tell me? There are some super famous Leos in Philadelphia Eagles history! We have Leo Carlin, who’s in the Eagles Hall of Fame. He worked in the Eagles ticket office for 55 years. Then we have Leo Skladany who played Defensive End for the Eagles in 1949. We have Penn State alum Leo Wisniewski whose son Stefan is currently playing for the Eagles. (Okay that one’s a stretch but COME ON). Lastly we have Leo Brennan, Offensive Lineman in 1942. All cool Leos.
In hindsight I should have rounded out with Leo Carlin who sounds like he was the absolute best of men, and truly had an impact on both the Eagles organization and their fans for over 50 years. But it’s too late to go back now. There’s no way to edit this. NO WAY, COLOMBO, DO YOU HEAR?! So anyways, Leos? You’re rooting for the Eagles.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Confession time. I know exactly nothing about Virgo. To be fair, I know nothing about any of the Zodiac signs, but Virgo seems especially mysterious to me. I dunno why. In my head it’s the Hufflepuff of Astrology, the catchall for whoever didn’t fit elsewhere. But I’m writing this article, so here we go.
Loyal, analytical, hardworking, kind, and practical. The blurb on Virgos tells me that they are often disappointed. I think that’s supposed to mean like they expect a lot and find themselves let down, but I’m choosing to interpret it like your Mom after you got a D- on the Astronomy homework. BECAUSE STARS AND S**T! She’s not mad, she’s just disappointed.
Who do I think falls into that disappointed Mom category? This is roundabout but go with me here. Dion Lewis and Danny Amendola were both members of the Philadelphia Eagles. What? You didn’t know that? Yeah, that’s because their tenure in Philly was so — say it with me — DISAPPOINTING. So who are you rooting for? I think the Eagles, because you all felt that mom-like level of shame on behalf of the disappointing kids. Do you feel pride now that your kids are taking off? No, because you still remember that D-.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
Alright well the symbol is the justice scale, so I think we can safely say that Libra is the one tuned into justice and fairness? Yes? One who fights for justice for everyone? I’m not gonna read the description, I’m just gonna assume that’s what it is. Because we all know what happens when you assume. I get this article done faster so I can immediately turn to my next piece, “Which Puppy Represents You Watching Alshon Jeffrey in the Super Bowl?”
We’re gonna get a little serious for a second. There are a lot of players in the NFL fighting to better the world. Many have taken part in Colin Kaepernick’s silent anthem protest, J.J. Watt did so much for the devastation in Houston, and many, many more. However today we’re going to highlight one Eagle who’s gotten a lot of deserved attention. As a bonus, he’s an ex-Patriot so it’s like I’m tuned-in to the theme of the article or something.
Chris Long. What a guy. After the events in Charlottesville Virginia, he announced he was donating his entire 2017 salary to charities that promote educational equality. He supported Malcolm Jenkins’ fist raise during the National Anthem. He is talking the talk and walking the walk, and literally putting his money where his mouth is.
Love his politics or hate his politics, you can’t argue that he wants anything other than true equality, which sounds to me like what mopey-face Libra symbol up there is all about.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
What happened in the math that this one goes from the 23rd of a month to the 21st? It’s been single day shifts until now. Something smells fishy.
Anyways, SCORPIO. Zodiac sign of the resourceful, brave, passionate, and stubborn. A true friend. Well right now there’s one player in the big game who hits all of those marks. Mr. Playoffs himself, DANNY AMENDOLA. His stat lines in the playoffs speak for themselves, and he is fiercely loyal to Tommy B. He took over the Edelman spot for best bro this season, and I’m all about it. He’s a true friend. What do I think we’ll see from him in the Super Bowl? Some clutch 3rd and 4th down conversions. I think the Eagles will be playing him pretty close, though, after what he did to Jacksonville.
So count it, Danny Amendola, Mr. Playoffs, official player of Scorpio. GO ASTROLOGY!
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21)
Fun fact, it took me 5 tries to spell that word right, despite staring straight at it in my little cheat sheet. Also I have a cheat sheet, because again, I know absolutely nothing about Astrology or the signs of the Zodiac.
I find the arrow to be a weird symbol for these guys because from what I’m reading they’re super peaceful in nature, and generous to a fault. That seems the opposite of someone who’s gonna shoot you in the eyeball from 30 paces. (Is that too short to be impressive? I also know nothing about Archery). Basically I’m calling these guys the Rangers of the Zodiac. Mostly because of the bow and arrow. But whatever. Also I definitely gotta write a DnD-themed Super Bowl roundup. Dear god we are really scraping the bottom here.
It also says that due to their striving for freedom, they’re often impatient and tactless. Does that sound like some we know? BIG JAMES HARRISON. That dude wanted freedom from the Steelers and he pulled no punches with his departure. Everything I’ve heard about his time in the Patriots locker room is that he’s a selfless teammate and consummate professional. Everything I heard about his time in the Steelers locker room was that he was impatient to leave. Sounds like he’s our guy for Sagittarius! (Only 4 tries that time)
Capricorn (December 22nd TO January 19th)
THE FINAL ONE, HERE WE GO. Also I can’t stop seeing the Banana thing to the right. It’s really funny to me. Let’s take one more second to appreciate it.
Now then, responsible, disciplined, good managers. This sounds like a perfect example for a Football analogy. Since the Patriots are up 6-5 right now, I feel obliged to look to the Eagles coaching staff. Normally I’d say “what the hell, Ned!” because I often talk in the third person, but that’s actually not hard with this team.
Enter Jim Schwartz. Yo, I love Jim Schwartz. As defensive coordinators go, he’s a stud. Look what he did to the Vikings. Look what he’s done all year. He is a game manager who knows exactly what buttons to push to force the other teams into mistakes. I’m solidly afraid of the Patriots going up against him. He has head coaching experience, and ice in his veins. So Capricorns? You’re going Philly.
WE DID IT! ALL TWELVE BABY! THIS IS THE GREATEST ARTICLE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. 6 of you are rooting for the Patriots, 6 of you are rooting for the Eagles. My science is sound, I don’t care what you think. Astrology is proven science. But should you happen to disagree? Do you have puppy pictures you’re willing to share with me to help bring me back from the brink of madness? Tweet at us, drop us a line on Facebook, tag us in a cute photo on Instagram, comment below, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. The world is meaningless. I SWEAR TO GOD, COLOMBO, DO NOT F***ING TOUCH ME.
[Editor’s Note: We’re so sorry. We’re forcing him to sleep. YOU ARE F***ING NOT GO— shhhhhh, shhhhhhh. Sleeeeeeppppp]
- / 1 week ago
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