The XFL is back! This super real and not at all a gimmick football league is officially on the horizon. In this highly anticipated arrival, the team names have FINALLY been released. Some people look forward to birthdays or Christmas or the arrival of a child but for me, the XFL is the only baby I need. We are in the early stages of this extra football pregnancy. Our little bundle of joy has yet to arrive but that doesn’t mean we cannot prepare for its inevitable addition to our family and choose a name. So let us look through our baby book and decide on what will best represent our new little love throughout its long, long life that is ahead of him/her.
I’m a sucker for alliteration and the District of Columbia is the only squad to satiate this never ending hunger. While we all know the best offense is a good defense, the Defenders have instituted this foolproof ism into their actual name. I can almost feel the grit flowing through my high resolution computer screen. I cannot wait for the countless 6-3 victories this group of young men will be cranking out. This is the name of a smash mouth football team that will make you pay for every single inch on the gridiron. They are the new black and blue division all on their own. This is the name you choose if you want your newborn to be the bully, not the bullied. I predict no less than 8 fullbacks on their opening day roster.
This one kind of stinks. The only reason it is in the favorites category is because it is where I live. As noted before, I am a sports bastard and it is one of the first times in my life that I could actually have a team from the beginning in the place where I reside. A real tough choice for this sports fan because nothing inspires less in my heart than the Guardians. Just makes me think of a raccoon a tree and that guy from Parks and Rec who I used to like but now may or may not be a MAGA goon. They are still in consideration but with this much conflict in my heart they are the long shot of this tier.
This is the early favorite for me. I have zero ties to Houston and have never even been there if you don’t count some unpleasant floor sleeping at their local airport. Houston is pointless, much like most of Texas, but with a name like this, they may very well be the next up and coming franchise in ALL of sports. There is only one reason why this is an indisputable fact and it has everything to do with Starship Troopers. I am giddy with the prospect of being able to use my endless supply of trooper gifs to show my undying fidelity for this group of soldiers. That’s it. That’s the reason. If you think I need more you’re just wrong.
The Strong Maybes
If this was on name alone they would be the runaway favorites. There is only one problem. I don’t care at all about St. Louis. I don’t dislike the place, they are just kind of there. The name BattleHawks, however, is absolute hot fire. Hawks are cool on their own. They are birds of prey that don’t take no guff from anyone. Then you throw battle in front of it?? I don’t even know what it means and pretty sure it’s not a real word but its got me ready to run through a wall. The only reason they are not in the favorites is because of the nothing that is St. Louis. They couldn’t even keep an NFL team. How long before this group of badasses moves on as well? Can’t go through another messy divorce, not at this stage in my life.
This is another one where the name is great but the city is suspect. Vipers makes me think of some elite fighter squadron that would toast any foe that is unfortunate enough to hit their cross hairs. I know its a snake but that’s what I think of and its my kid. Also, has anyone been to the Rays stadium? What a colossal piece of shit that place is. It is the worst sporting venue in the history of sporting venues. I will not hitch my imaginary youth’s wagon to this monstrosity of mediocrity. It would be tantamount to child abuse.
Could there be a less inspiring name than the Wildcats? Or a worse sports town than Los Angeles? This is really the perfect name for them. It doesn’t make me think of anything but a hollow, vapid, zero of a franchise. A little too on the nose for me. They also already have two football teams they don’t care about. What’s the point.
Speaking of what’s the point, here we have the Dragons. This was the name of my high school mascot. We were the purple and gold Dragons. No one was scared of us. No one will be scared of them. It is one of those names that sounds like it should be scary on paper till you see the mascot running around the crowd and it just looks like some sad Barney ripoff that should have been put down like a sick animal to spare the children. I’m sending this team to a farm upstate as soon as humanly possible.
It’s the Houston Roughnecks. It always was. This was the clear favorite and no one can convince me otherwise. If you choose anything else that is your prerogative. It is the internet and therefore your right, nay duty, to be wrong. The season does not start until next year so you have plenty of time to get your house in order. Do the right thing.
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