Connect with us

Fielder's Choice

Four Goats Compete; A Math Problem

Do some math with me. You have 4 Goats… Just follow me on this.

This image is in the Public Domain.

Four Goats Compete; A Math Problem

Estimated Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Do some math with me.

A Word Problem.

You have 4 Goats.

Two of your goats are from two different and very highly partisan farms, one in the northeast and one — now retired — from the plains. The other two, while less partisan, are nonetheless followed enthusiastically and stalwartly by their legions, and are more or less used to roaming on their own.

Goat 1

Goat 1 is from the northeast is considered to be perhaps the best goat in the history of goats. The goat has been to the county fair nine times and won the blue ribbon six of those times. That goat also comes with a series of domestic issues including unsolicited politicking in an area not easily sympathized with by the surrounding farmers and shepherds, and an instance or two of accused unfairness on the grazing field. This goat’s controversies have often occurred with his former goat boss, who likes to wear only sweatshirts and scowl.

Goat 2

Goat 2 is considered to be one of the nicest goats and is also, argued by many others, to be the best goat, too. This goat has a younger brother goat that also does goat stuff and has won more blue ribbons even though goat number two is better at being a goat. Aside from those blue ribbons, Goat 2 has also won the hearts of the country by singing in television commercials and hawking pizza with some dick named John before that guy got fired from his own company.

Goat 3

Goat 3 is famous for being left-handed. He’s also really cool, funny, and awesome at being a goat — even though Goat 4 is definitely better at goat stuff. It took this particular Goat thirteen years to win his first major blue ribbon, but when he did, it was one of the most glorious and spectacular wins ever cause that goat rolled in an 18-foot putt on the 18th at Augusta to win the Masters and I lost my damn left-handed mind… — sorry — uh, that goat’s first major win was viewed as a big and much-needed victory in the writing of this goat’s history. Goat 3 has since gone on to win many other blue ribbons and two other green jackets — but not as many as Goat 4. This Goat is also really compelling at selling psoriatic arthritis medication on TV.

Goat 4

Definitely the best goat at his particular kind of goat stuff, is Goat 4. This goat, though, isn’t without his own share of goat controversy. This goat’s very public divorce and cheating scandal had a huge effect on his performance as a goat, and while this goat has been on the tail of the becoming the goat with the most major wins of all time for goats that do this kind of goat stuff, Goat 4 still hasn’t reached the goal. In fact, despite a remarkable career comeback — though it has been plagued with injury and setbacks — Goat 4 went 11 years without a major blue ribbon win. Though our fourth Goat still seems to be in the running to become the most major winning goat of this kind of goat stuff — but, only time will tell.

The goats are currently competing for charity.

Math Time!

Goat 1 + Goat 3 = Goat 2 + Goat 4

Solve for controversy.

Listen, just because I’m more of a Dodgers-era Piazza guy than a Mets-era Piazza guy doesn’t mean I don’t love the New York Metropolitans with all my heart — it’s just, there’s something about growing up playing catcher for the early-90’s Southern California South Sunrise Little League triple-A Dodgers that has a lasting effect on a man.

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Editor’s Picks

Latest Articles