Online dating is a large aspect of the modern, digitized life. Every day, millions of people lie on bed or sit on the toilet and swipe right or left. I’ve had plenty of experience with it. Don’t lie, I’m sure most, if not all of you have as well. Why else would you have clicked on this headline?
One boring night on a trip home to New England (I now live behind enemy lines in Indiana) I fired up Tinder and started swiping. Soon, I realized just how absurd this exercise was. I don’t meet up with people from home even when I’m nearby! Now that I live 1,000 miles away, it seemed especially pointless.
That’s when it struck me. Gritty. The legend itself. Everyone loves Gritty, and surely the ladies of Tinder do as well. Thus, I present: Gritty’s Got Game: A Case Study.
I needed to create the perfect Tinder profile for Gritty. A mascot of his caliber deserves an equally legendary profile. I scoured the internet for the best Gritty pictures, particularly the infamous image of Gritty reenacting an iconic Kim Kardashian picture (which is a reenactment of a particularly famous 1976 Jean-Paul Goude picture.)
After finding these pictures, I needed to flesh out the rest of my Gritty profile. I wasn’t able to change my Tinder name without creating a new profile, so I created the persona Christopher J. Gritty. I like to think the J. stands for Jebediah.
My job was a given: Mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers. The challenging one was finding Gritty’s anthem. How surprising should it be? Should it be on the nose? Was Gritty a classic rock fan? A classical music fan? These thoughts swirled through my head and then it hit me.
Gritty is a DMX fan. Gritty’s Gon‘ Give it To Ya.
Finally, with my pictures, bio, and anthem set up, it was time to start swiping, and I was curious to find out if Gritty had more game than me.
The Match of all Matches
It started off innocently enough. One or two matches with curious women interested in the joke. Eventually, however, I matched with a woman and this experiment went further than I ever anticipated.
She matched me joke for joke, she played along with the best of them. She greeted me like an old friend, someone she matched with a year ago. She was interested in my new diet (10 Flyers Dollar Dogs per day with some tater tots, a favorite of Gritty). Most importantly though, she didn’t know hockey.
She had only a passing familiarity with the sport, knowing that the Flyers were a team, but nothing about Gritty specifically. I am open to the possibility that this was a joke on her side, but I have no proof of that. Either way, I had to educate her on my history and the knowledge that Philadelphia is the City of Champions. (As a ride or die New England fan, I hated myself for this, particularly considering last year’s Super Bowl, but as a trained actor, I must maintain my professional standards)
Our discussion was long and varied. We talked about her recent birthday, the gingerbread cookie she ate, and a sweater that she insisted would not warm her for the cold, bitter New England winters. It lasted for three days, and those three days warmed my heart and my orange, flowing, luxurious, sumptuous fur.
At the end of those three days, the unthinkable happened: we exchanged phone numbers and I revealed my true face. Our conversation continued innocently. It was a fun joke that we shared, but our paths were pointing us in different directions and so we had to part.
We do, however, still have each other’s Snapchats. Despite parting, I have received several, totally appropriate snaps regarding day to day life. We share a bond now, forged in the fires of the Wells Fargo Center. This bond cannot be broken.
Our interactions have not evolved past texting and snapping, but somewhere out there I hope that Gritty Girl is doing well. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again, but until then I’ve come to an important conclusion: Gritty’s Got Game.
At least more than me.
- / 2 days ago
Poch is out. Who's coming in?
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Welcome to the darkest point in MLB History.