I know I say a lot of hyperbolic things, but this one is legit.
I’m going to play basketball for the United States of America, representing my country at the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo.
I know. I’m very excited too.
Now before you get all huffy and start asking me things like, “Where did you go to college?” or “Did you even play D-1?” or “What’s a foul?” let me say this, I’m obviously not on the team… yet, but I could be a valuable asset to the USA’s medal hopes. Why?
It’s 3-on-3 basketball.
According to Wikipedia, “3×3 basketball is a form of the game played three a side on one hoop. It is the largest urban team sport of the world (ESSEC study commissioned by IOC). This basketball discipline is currently being promoted and structured by FIBA, the sport’s governing body.”
On top of all that, there’s this…
I want you to imagine for a second, two men entering the court at the Tokyo Olympics. Those two men are Russell Westbrook and Paul George. They are followed closely by a balding, thirty-something with a Dad-Bod. That’s me, you guys. I’m on the team. I made it. The dream has been realized. Welcome to the USA Dream Team 3.0.
Why am I here?
Why has no one heard of me?
Am I worthy of the honor?
Am I a secret weapon?
I am the secret weapon, the real estate developer buying condos in your brain. The reason the Greek team wakes up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat? That’s me. Why have Kristaps Porzingis and Luka Dončić been sending spies into our practices? Also me.
Can I hit a three-pointer? Maybe.
Can I dunk? Maybe.
Can I spin the ball on my finger for like one second? Yes. I can confirm that.
Do I have a shoe line? Yes, but they’re just knock off Starbury’s.
The fact of the matter is this, the rest of the world couldn’t compete with the US when it came to basketball, so they’re moving the goalposts. Well, technically they’re removing a goalpost, but you get the idea.
All I’m saying is don’t be surprised.
I’m ready to say “Konnichiwa” to the World on the Olympic stage, y’all. Don’t sleep on the fat guy with the Starbury’s.
- / 11 months ago
To me, Rachel Nichols is the personification of posting a black square on Instagram.