Here we are, folks. This is the finale episode with the Top Three I dreamt of as a little boy. If you define being a little boy as a 32-year-old finding out the cast a few weeks before he turned 33. I do. You should too.
Apparently, Jujbee and Shea also envisioned this Top Three. Their taste levels are exquisite. Cracker is… strangely silent about what Top Three she envisioned. I imagine she pictured Ru stopping the competition at some point and just handing her the crown. We’d riot. What the queens also discuss is the baffling, unexplained phone call on the judge’s panel last week. Who was it? What do they want? Am I ever getting Kameron Michaels as a lip sync assassin? I guess not this year.
They’re back, back, back again
The next day in the Werk Room, the eliminated queens all enter and hide behind a … big pink glory hole. For fans of the show, you’ll know it as the puppet bitch fest wall. No, I will not explain it any further. The queens reveal themselves and reveal that they have no idea why they’ve been brought back. Ru enters and reveals that this was all part of the phone call. The returning queens are there to a) leave nothing unsaid and b) back up the girls in the final maxi challenge of the season. The Top Three will write lyrics and perform a lip sync performance of Ru’s newest track, Clap Back. Todrick Hall (blah) will be by later to choreograph all the queens in the routine.
Now it’s time to relive the drama of the season. The first topic is Derrick & India. Are they cool? The answer is, apparently, now that India apologized on air for online comments. Millenials. The next drama is Ongina & Mayhem voting for themselves. The queens generally agree that they didn’t quite understand the logic behind voting yourself off the island. Ongina & Mayhem explain that they couldn’t reconcile staying over their fellow bottom queens. Mariah is pissed because she says she could have stayed, but Mayhem reminds her that Mariah was eliminated first, so shut it, queen.
Finally! Just what went down with this Alexis/Shea/India/Mayhem voting fiasco? Oh, it’s actually all blown out of proportion. India was asked after the voting happened so there couldn’t have been a campaign. Right. Just as I thought. Trash.
Moving on, Todrick is on the mainstage ready to teach the queens their choreography. Jujubee, admiteddly not a great dancer, struggles, but assures Todrick she can handle it. Cracker does fine, and says the choreography is stupid and she loves it. Typical Cracker. Shea, as fully expected by everyone, nails the choreography. The shady editors, though, make it appear that she doesn’t nail it. Only time will tell I suppose.
In the interim, each of the Top Three queens meet with Ru and Michelle “on Ru’s podcast” What’s The Tee? I use quotes because these segments never air on the actual podcast. I will say, they are still genuine moments where we get to see the emotional and soft sides of the queens. Back in the Werk Room, all 10 queens get ready together for the last time. It’s clear that there are camps for each queen. This is great, because it means all three queens are deserving of the crown.
On the main stage, the routine for Clap Back begins. Jujubee does a great job. She doesn’t miss a beat but you can definitely see her counting in her head while still performing. Solid B for her. Cracker does well and her section is as stupid as she said it was. A- for the saltine. Shea’s section is next, and to no one’s surprise, she gets the hardest choreography and knocks it out of the park. She even does a cartwheel from one dancer’s shoulders onto another dancer’s shoulders. Think about it for a minute. It was incredible and I may have rewound the DVR several many times to watch it repeatedly. The one downside to this whole routine is that you could not understand a word of any of the girls’ verses. Bad sound mixing? Bad recording? Meh, let’s just watch that cartwheel again.
On the runway, category is All Star Eleganza. All 10 queens get to walk the final runway. From the looks, it is very clear that the Frozen-inspired runwy from season 12 was intended for All Stars 5 but was moved. Doesn’t bother me one bit, they all look phenomenal. However, there is one winner of the runway in my eyes, and it is JUJUBEE. Her Buddha-inspired runway look is the perfect marriage of her drag aesthetic and her cultural heritage. It’s an absolute win for me.
The Final Runway Critiques
So if I was scoring, I would have given Clap Back to Shea and the runway to Jujubee. Therefore, Cracker would not participate in the final lip sync and one of these fabulous ladies would win. Ultimately, Ru says she will decide who qualifies for the final lip sync; thankfully, no jury selection or other Shangela-robbing-esque shenanigans. The queens are sent for their final untuck while the judges deliberate for the first time this season.
Back on the runway, Ru decides that, after the performance and the runway, all three will qualify for the lip sync. All three have changed into lip sync outfits, and my favorite part of this whole thing is that Shea is wearing a blue version of the red wig Sasha Velour wore in the lip sync that knocked Shea out. I hath been gagged.
Make Me Feel…
The final lip sync song is Janelle Monae’s Make Me Feel. Cracker just can’t win this lip sync. Two queens of color against her on this specific song? She just can’t win. Plus, she planned some stunts on the runway with her bustier. The bras pop open in the front and I think are supposed to blast glitter everywhere. Unfortunately, they don’t blast as much as they exist and Cracker has to shimmy the glitter out. Poor girl. Jujubee and Shea perform the hell out of the song, and Ru decides on the winner.
And who is this winner of All Stars 5?
I could not be more pleased. She is a professional, dynamic queen who was robbed of a fair shot for the crown on Season 9 because of some unexpected twist. She came back hungry for the win, nailed it, and is now the 6th crowned queen in the All Stars Hall of Fame.
Thanks for coming along on this journey with me for 8 weeks. I’m still covering Canada’s Drag Race so if you still need a fix from me, you have that to look forward to! Until next time, chasers!
- / 10 months ago
To me, Rachel Nichols is the personification of posting a black square on Instagram.