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Suit Pants Come Up Short in Week 1 of Bachelorette

Week 1 of The Bachelorette, eager rookies take to the field, some score big, some come up short, but none so short as ALL THE SUIT PANTS.

Suit Pants Come Up Short in Week 1 of Bachelorette


Estimated Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Eager rookies take to the field, some score big, some come up short, but none so short as ALL THE SUIT PANTS.

Week 1 of The Bachelorette kicked off with more exposition than College GameDay, reminding fans that there’s a pandemic. Did you know there’s a pandemic? The season was affected by this thing that’s a pandemic.

Pandemic. 

The assailing affirmation of our reality blessedly gave way to the blithe nonsense of introducing free agents. With the talent pool somewhat more mature than years past, there was no midwestern smugness veiled as hometown pride (looking at you THE Ohio State!) Instead, players were generally named by previous contracts ranging in equivalence from church rec leagues to the NFL. In some cases, literally the NFL. Yes, practice squad counts.

Fundamentals

We know that games are won and lost on fundamentals. This rings true in gameplay, of course. Bachelor rules clearly state, “If you call out someone else’s motives, you go home.” An out of bounds comment at the cocktail party from Tyler C. proved it out as expected. No review necessary. 

Fundamentals can extend beyond the buzzer though, and a key one is preparation. Like all pro’s, contestants this season had an extended off-season, forcing changes in training. To the naked eye, and naked, unnecessarily-exposed-in-formal-wear pecs, the athletes were focused and committed in a time where most Americans have become simple carbohydrates themselves. This commendable effort is sure to pay off as the season wears on and endurance training and emotional heavy lifting separate the men from the men babies. 

All-Pro

QB Clare Crawley put up a strong showing for herself, wiggling out of unwanted contact and rushing only when it suited her. 

This week’s MVP was clearly Dale Moss. While Cawley was quoted lauding only one player for his pre-season mental preparation, it seems unlikely that there was no prior introduction to Moss, even if just to admire his stats and draw-up mental routes down the middle. His ease and very tallness secured his position as Crowley’s preferred receiver and the early favorite to take it all. 

Taking L.’s or M.’s or C.’s

The biggest disappointment in Week 1 was definitely for suit pants on both sides of the balls. Even with less than a yard to go, they were consistently unable to convert, exposing ankles to the elements.

This underperforming is especially dejecting to fans given the league’s advertising this summer.

If the league continues to favor Tyler’s and Zac’s so heavily, numbered jerseys may be in order. Reading nameplates during play action is challenging and feels too much like third grade. The only branding choice more concerning and Tyler3 was “Dude in Straightjacket the Whole Night.” Here’s a hint, fellas: Ladies don’t think crazy is some intriguing, sexy movie trope. Crazy means you murder us. 

Sports great Billie Jean King once said, “Champions keep playing until they get it right.” 

Whether Crawley is a champion remains to be seen, but she certainly is determined to play until she gets it right. 

Whether Crawley did in every rose she awarded last week remains to be seen. If she and Moss force a two-hander (this is actually a real theater term), it may not matter at all.   

Expect group date ‘roid rage and heavy 1-1 contact this week. And tell your friends, this is the competition of the season, with the most dedicated players in the country- no one else is asking strangers to shave their backs like in this locker room.

Note: Last week’s article stated that contestants were being housed in partnership with the La Quinta hotel franchise. This was an error. It is in fact the city of La Quinta, CA that is partnering with The Bachelorette this season. My broke ass was mistaken, and it has not been corrected in last week’s article.

Angelica is an NYC based creative. She has performed in the national tours of Broadway musicals, written for ESPN.com, and teaches theater and dance in men's maximum security prisons. 2018 Broadway Show League Female MVP! Her loyalties stem from her roots, and remain with the 49ers, Giants, Sharks, and UCLA Bruins.

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