Those of you who know me in real life understand one thing: Mondays are for the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I know, I too scoffed at the idea of watching garbage TV on a weeknight, but here I am 5 years later, glued to my TV for every episode.
It all started when I first began dating my fiancèe, Joanna. We were dating, and I was on our with the show Rock of Ages. Our relationship was still young, so any chance I got I would either fly her to where I was or I would go back to NYC and see her. This time she was in Indianapolis doing the show 9 to 5 at a regional theater. After flying all day to get to her, she sits me down to watch the finale of the Bachelorette.
I thought she was crazy. THIS?! YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS?! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN LITERAL MONTHS AND YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS GARBAGE?!? I almost broke up with her on the spot. But as I sat there, Jimmy John’s in hand (BECAUSE YOU KNOW I HAD TO ORDER JIMMY JOHN’S), something interesting happened. I got invested in Chris Harrison, the show, the love between these two people.
Y’all. There’s no way to determine why or how, but I have watched every season since.
I have rooted on Andi as she called out Juan Pablo for being a pig, I sobbed and applauded as Clare (MY GIRL) turned around and told him off on that finale, I felt NOTHING when Nick Viall came back time and time again trying to find love yet somehow was unable to love himself and his veneers. Watching Chris Soles’ head explode when Jade told him she had done Playboy gave me life. I left the room to collect myself when JoJo and Ben didn’t get engaged. I also left the room to scream when JoJo even considered Robbie and his fake teeth and odd hairline.
You guys, I crossed over. In fact, two weeks ago I met Ashley I and not only is she a doll and the sweetest, but she’s legit the real deal. I almost had a heart attack when I found out she was at the show. A LEGITIMATE HEART ATTACK.
It should also be mentioned that I do not watch the show alone. I have a solid group of incredible friends that I watch with and they are the best. I have to TiVo the show because we need to discuss everything. I’m taking edits, underscoring, Ben Higgins trying to bring back the hoodie-blazer look for the early 2000s, where Chris Harrison is, who is drinking what, who has shared bathing suits, etc. You get the idea. We’re serious. We have a fantasy league. Joanna is champion.
Why do I mention this and what does this have to do with anything? (Looking at you, Ned)
There are a lot of former athletes on this show. And there are a lot of fantasy leagues springing up. So I’m here to bring you a mix of both. So let’s dive right in and talk about the former athletes on Becca K’s season of the Bachelorette.
Christon, 31, Former Harlem Globetrotter
First off, a couple of red flags. One, and this is a PSA for all the guys out there, I should never see the top button of your shirt if you’re wearing a tie. Be better. Keep it tight.
Secondly, Christon is a bit of a rebrand. When searching for “Christon” to learn about his basketball career, nothing comes up. However, CHRIS Staples does yield some serious GOLD.
Dude can ball.
Chris Staples went right from High School to the NBA Draft and went ZERO overall. The undrafted Staples then went to play in the Ukraine before taking his talents to the Harlem Globetrotters.
In that video, DR. FREAKING J gives him a 99 out of 100. That’s not just anybody. THAT’S DR. J. Seriously. This guy has talent, and you can bet your boots he will 10000000% be dunking on, around or near Becca at some point. #DunkTheDamnThing
The BIGGEST red flag is that he says both on The Dunk King and in multiple interviews prior, that he moved to Hollywood to be a star.
Anyone who comes on the Bachelor with the hopes of becoming famous is doomed to be bounced out early, and often it’s in a very embarrassing way. You might not be familiar with WhaBoom. But here’s a taste of him:
That’s what we’re dealing with. If Christon is coming in with the hopes of becoming famous off the Bachelorette, then his time on the show won’t be a slam dunk. You have to be there #ForTheRightReasons.
Clay Harbor, 30, Former NFL Player/ Current NFL Free Agent
Clay Harbor does not photograph well, and honestly, I like that about him. I mean, that’s a rough headshot for a guy who also looks like this:
Am I right?
Clay Harbor is a Tight End who attended Missouri State University, where he left with the school’s all-time reception record. Prior to the NFL Draft, Harbor was one of the 20 players invited from the FCS or lower divisions to attend the NFL Combine. Did he show up? Oh yeah. Out of all the Tight Ends, Harbor placed 1st in the bench press (30 reps at 225lbs), and 2nd in the vertical (40 inches) and 4th in the 40-yard dash with a 4.62 second time. Not too shabby. Especially considering his draft class.
Clay Harbor was drafted by the Cowboys in the 4th round of the 2010 draft, but was then traded to the Eagles before the round was over. The 9th Tight End chosen in the draft, Harbor was selected after guys like Jermaine Gresham, Rob Gronkowski, Ed Dickson, Jimmy Graham, Dennis Pitta and Aaron Hernadez. Not a terrible group to be in, except for that last guy.
To say that Harbor had a bad career in the NFL simply isn’t true. Although he bounced around the league in his later years, he made a real impact on the Eagles and Jaguars in his time there. He left the NFL with 8 career touchdowns and 10.4 yards a catch.
Okay, so maybe I’m over exaggerating a bit, but still, have you ever scored a real NFL touchdown? Because Clay Harbor has. EIGHT TIMES.
I like Clay. I think he’s got a nice smile and I’m into his story. Plus, he could play in the CFL at some point and Becca seems like she’d fit in up north. Either way, I think Clay’s not done playing football at a semi-pro level, and that could be something Becca is into. I mean, she was once engaged to a Formula 1 driver, you guys.
Colton Underwood, 26, Former Professional Football Player
Colton Underwood is selling some Julian Edelman looks with a Johnny Manziel resume. Actually, no. That’s incorrect. Johnny Manziel is much more accomplished in the NFL than Colton. In fact, Manziel is more accomplished in the CFL than Colton Underwood, despite playing the same number of games as him: 0.
Colton Underwood is as much of a Former Professional Football Player as I am Zazu in The Lion King on Broadway. Could I do it? Yeah. Have I had the opportunity? No. But have I gotten close? yes, but no.
Underwood was signed as an undrafted free agent by the Chargers in 2014, and subsequently released before the season. A few days later he was signed to the Philadelphia Eagles Practice Squad. A week later, Philly released him.
Two weeks later, Underwood came back to the Chargers and was signed to the practice squad. In December of 2014, he was signed to a future contract, only to be waived that September 3rd. was waived. On September 6, 2015, he was placed on injured reserve. On September 10, 2015, he was waived from injured reserve.
In December 2015, Underwood was then signed to the Raiders’ practice squad only to be released on August 29, 2016.
So yeah. Former Football Player, but also former practice squader, and former student-athlete. At 26, Underwood has devoted his life to helping children with Cystic Fibrosis, so while may not have made the cut on the field, he’s certianly playing from the heart off it.
Mike Renner, 27, Pro Football Focus NFL Analyst
ONE OF US.
Mike Renner is serving you flow, looks and hot takes on the 2018-19 San Diego Chargers. I’m very excited to see if Mike picks a fight with Clay or Colton, and uses some solid sports analysis to decimate them. For real, if we busts out some yards-per-catch stats, I’ll lose my mind. I’m here for it. Big time.
However, as The Ringer pointed out, Mike was done with enough time to prep a pre-draft piece for PFF, so it’s doubtful he lasts too long. Why do I say that? 1) they don’t allow contestants to have phones or laptops unless they have kids and 2) Becca’s gonna take umbrage with that hair, I know it.
Those are the former athletes on Becca’s season of the Bachelorette. Can they compete against the likes of a cologneisseur (not a real word, and you know this dude STINKS), a social media participant (unemployed), a banjoist (unemployed) and a grocery store owner (job creator)? Only time will tell. But they made it this far and getting to the mansion is half the battle.