It’s here. The girl that (a handful of?) people in America are excited about: Becca’s season of The Bachelorette. I have to say, I’m overjoyed with the diverse contestants coming to our screens this season. Especially all of these ATHLETES. The franchise is definitely trying to cook something up in the way of finding a notable male lead for the next season of The Bachelor, in attempts to pull in more viewership. But whatever. To avoid reactivating old faithfuls like Nick Vaill, I am 100% into it.
Of course, none of these men can escape my judgment on Bio & Picture Day. And I know all these guys are great and probably WAY more attractive than their picture shows us. But I take my fantasy league very seriously. And this is literally ALL we have to work with to make our initial picks. So without further ado, let’s jump in and see what I’ve got to work with this season.
Alex – 31, Construction Manager, Atlanta, GA
He’s 31! Love when they are over 30. I won’t repeat this to save time, but I love the over 30’s. They SERIOUS. And I love finding out why they are still single. Alex is cute! But it’s Picture Day—his grandmother is most definitely unaware that he is on this show, but would be even more appalled to know that he didn’t run a comb through his hair today.
Blake – 28, Sales Rep, Bailey, CO
He’s from Colorado, which is cool, bodes well for the outdoorsy-ness (?) of Becca (read: Becca is not outdoorsy, nor am I convinced she has spent time outdoors.) However, no one should see the top button of your collared shirt in this photo from the NECK UP.
Chase – 28, Advertising VP, Sanford, FL
No. This is his “I have a secret” look that he has definitely practiced in a mirror before this day. But he did play in the College World Series of Baseball so that’s something interesting to me. He has also set his Instagram account to Private. This can mean a variety of positive things.
Chris – 30, Sales Trainer, Orlando, FL
HIS PARENTS RETIRED AT 40. I need him to make it to hometowns so I can get more information about this. That’s half of your life spent in retirement.
Christian – 28, Banker, San Diego, CA
Soccer player, born in Mexico, retired due to injury. He may certainly have an accent that Becca won’t be able to get in to.
Christon – 31, Former Harlem Globetrotter, Los Angeles, CA
This spelling. However, you are a HARLEM GLOBETROTTER which is amazing and you are a pro-dunker so I look forward to the episode where we will surely see your skills on the court. I equally look forward to if Becca settles for a layup or if she goes between her legs.
Clay – 30, Professional Football Player (Current Free Agent), Chicago, IL
Guys, Clay ACTUALLY played in the NFL, too. You can look him up. Didn’t get a Super Bowl ring even though he DID play for the Patriots in 2016. I guess he’s waiting for a Neil Lane instead.
Colton – 26, Former Professional Football Player, Denver, CO
Colton’s cute. ALSO a former pro football player, but stopped due to injury. Mostly practice squads. But he does do a lot of charity work which is great, and Becca will love that. Note that he used to date ALY RAISMAN. WHATTT.
Connor – 25, Fitness Coach, St. Petersburg, FL
Fitness guy. Too young if you ask me. “Had a chance to play from the Atlanta Braves.” This could mean just so many things and yet he’s not cute enough from this photo for me to find out which.
Darius – 26, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Sherman Oaks, CA
He’s originally from Milwaukee, Becca’s catnip. He’s been to 11 countries in the last few years. Which at first was like ‘eh who cares’ but that’s actually kind of a lot of countries in a short amount of time.
David – 25, Venture Capitalist, Denver, CO
A venture capitalist from Denver. I’m planning to drink every time he seems rich.
Grant – 27, Electrician, Danville, CA
Looks a little like Michael C. Hall. I also wonder how the producers will play up he’s a 4th generation electrician. If he exits the limo holding a lightbulb or any other sort of electric paraphernalia, I’m leaving the room.
Garrett – 29, Medical Sales Rep, Reno, NV
Another self-proclaimed outdoorsman. I’m going to go ahead and say this guy may actually know how to pitch a tent. He’s also very cute. Serving me some Ben Higgins on picture day.
Jake – 29, Marketing Consultant, Minneapolis, MN
He writes poems. And for that reason, I’m out.
Jason – 29, Senior Corporate Banker, Seattle, WA
Corporate Banker. So there’s that. Also loves the Bills. So I don’t know whether to hug him or ignore him.
Jean Blanc – 31, Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL
Given the occupation of ‘Colognoisseur’ which is utter ABC bullshit (they always think they are hilarious and definitely never are) because judging from his bio, he’s probably the most successful and well-rounded contestant we have this season. They just aren’t telling us. Remember the Tickle Monster? He was a doctor, M.D. No joke.
Joe – 31, Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL
Grocery store owner. THIS guy could go far. First of all, he was once the youngest trader on the Chicago Stock Exchange and he OWNS a freaking GROCERY STORE. This guy stays for a bit.
John – 28, Software Engineer, San Francisco, CA
Very on brand as a Silicon Valley techie guy from San Fran. I am very interested to see if we find out what company he works for.
Jordan – 26, Male Model, Crystal River, FL
Jordan, judging from Picture Day, is this season’s Robbie, but with real teeth.
Kamil – 30, Social Media Participant, Monroe, NY
Giving me some Evan from JoJo’s season. Curious to see how tall he is. If he’s short, he’s not lasting long.
Leo – 31, Stuntman, Studio City, CA
Stuntman/Dothraki. His curls could use some definition.
Lincoln – 26, Account Sales Executive, Los Angeles, CA
Great smile, great story. I can just tell.
Mike – 27, Sports Analyst, Cincinnati, OH
SPORTS ANALYST, so I’m sure some of the boys who write for this site know who he is. So I want him to last far because I think he may actually be cool. He’s got a lot of hair and a bulldog named Riggins. So girls everywhere will collectively “Aww” at that.
Nick – 27, Attorney, Orlando, FL
Says things like “I like brunching” and “Weekend Warrior.” So for that reason, I’m out.
Rickey – 27, IT Consultant, San Diego, CA
Went to JMU, has a great smile, and wore a bowtie on Picture Day. Rickey’s legit.
Ryan – 26, Banjoist, Manhattan Beach, CA
Some of us may recall seeing him on After The Final Rose at the end of last season. He’s a little cutie, definitely could have religious storied past, and plays in a Bluegrass band with his FAMILY.
Trent – 28, Realtor, Naples, FL
Realtor and “model” from Florida. Your Basic Bitch this season.
Wills – 29, Graphic Designer, Los Angeles, CA
Definitely has a cool job, we think he worked for TMZ for a minute and definitely is legit. He also loves Harry Potter so 10 points to Wills.