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Ode to Jason

What’s happening on The Bachelorette? Doesn’t matter, Jason Foster left. Be sad with me with this elaborate poem to honor him.

Ode to Jason


Estimated Reading Time: 2 Minutes

What happened to Clare last week? Doesn’t matter Jason left.

What’s happening to Tayshia? Doesn’t matter Jason left. 

Is there anyone left worth cheering for in this god-forsaken season? Yes. Eazy. 

But also maybe not because Reality Steve is saying we can’t have anything nice this year. I dunno, Google it yourself. 

The bottom line is Jason is gone and so is my heart. I mourn his departure with this:

Ode to Jason

Jason Foster, oh Jason Foster,

Preserved in honor shall you remain.

Though you may not have landed active roster, 

We love, we love you just the same.

From the Island named for boozy iced tea,

And on to the Island of Rhodes,

A colossus of feeling, compassion, and thought,

A prince amongst a swamp full of toads.

Young stallions did not deserve you,

Nor roaring Canadians nay.

Too kind to raid those in Oakland too, 

Or pillage in Tampa Bay.

How came you by your demeanor so sweet,

With practiced aggression harnessed to block?

The heart not the helmet makes the athlete,

But the bachelor is made by the –

Cocktail parties could capture your allure,

Nor needed to showcase your charm.

On the side of a mountain, with no licensure,

Prying questions were designed to disarm.

Was it fair of the maiden to dig and to pry?

To demand instant soul-baring talk?

None can say for sure, but cannot deny,

T’was the reason you hence had to walk.

The first to affirm when the lady confessed,

That her heart’s call was the ultimate vow.

So mature, compassioned, and self-possessed,

You may defer but never kowtow.

What choice then remained for Jason in love,

When a new smile, new gaze took her place?

His quality character thus rose above,

And he excused himself with respect and grace.

But what has he left for those that remain,

Stuck watching much lesser men date.

Sitting sullen in tank tops, tattoos like a stain,

Of pettiness, squabbling, and vibes that stagnate.

We wish so much more and we pray so much more,

For Jason, a hero outcast.

In Paradise, Lord, may we see him ashore,

When ABC approves production and broadcast.

Angelica is an NYC based creative. She has performed in the national tours of Broadway musicals, written for ESPN.com, and teaches theater and dance in men's maximum security prisons. 2018 Broadway Show League Female MVP! Her loyalties stem from her roots, and remain with the 49ers, Giants, Sharks, and UCLA Bruins.

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